I haven't been writing a lot lately......I know that. I am scared that if I write that I am happy and that everything is going well then something will inevitably go wrong. So I sit here and think that if I continuously and on the defense, then nothing bad can actually happen. Its crazypants I know......but that's me.
For the past week and a half I have been incredibly nauseous. I haven't thrown up but I am always in a constant state of queasiness. I know this is a good thing so I am grateful for it but its alittle annoying too. I have lost like 3 or 4 pounds....I hope Peanut is doing ok.
So my boss started calling the baby Peanut and now that is what I call him/her too. I think it's precious, and since we officially know its not twins, I felt it was appropriate to change on the name.
So Peanut it is.
Yesterday, at 7w6d we had an appointment with Dr. S for an ultrasound. I am grateful because I think he lets me come in to see the baby just so I don't go crazy. Typically, I don't think he has women come in until week 10 so the fact that he has allowed me to see Peanut three times is amazing to me. It was a belly ultrasound this time. I was ready for the wand but he said there was no need. You would think that I would be relieved that I wasn't going to have a wand shoved up my lady parts but the last time I had a belly ultrasound was at my 10 week appointment last year when we found out the baby had died. PTSD set in, but I managed to compose myself. As Dr. S placed the ultrasound on my stomach a nurse came in to ask him a questions. So here I am searching frantically for any sign of life and I can barely see anything but a sac.......Internally I was screaming....but then.....finally......as Dr. S was still talking to the nurse I yelled out, "there is a heartbeat!!". Dr. S nonchalantly agreed, as if he wasn't concerned at all. Sweet relief. We got to take a video of the heartbeat and I watch it all the time. I really hope Peanut is in it for the long haul.
Thursday, July 23, 2015
Saturday, July 11, 2015
Ultrasound 2
On Wednesday, 22dp5dt, 5w6d, HB and I went in to see Dr. S and have our second ultrasound. I was so nervous, I was practically shaking the entire morning. I managed to get through a couple hours of work and go to my appointment. In comes Dr. S, in goes the wand........and silence. Of course we were taken to the ultrasound room where the viewing monitor is broken so I had no idea what Dr. S was seeing. He's not an easy man to read either so I had no idea what was going on.
Well it turns out he saw one sac, one yolk sac and one fluttering heartbeat!! I was so relieved and thrilled. Dr. S was happy to see the heartbeat so early and I could finally breathe again. I think HB was uber relieved that there was only one sac, I don't think he was really ready for the idea of two babies at once, even though I was loved the idea. Dr. S wants to see us again in a couple of weeks as there is nothing else to do but wait and see if the embryo develops properly.
But as quickly as my anxiousness turned to relief it turned back to anxiousness again. I feel like I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop and for the next ultrasound to reveal another missed miscarriage. That this couldn't possibly be real and I couldn't possible be pregnant. I just need to maintain and get through this first trimester and then maybe I can breathe again. If my boobs don't hurt for just one moment out of the day when I jab them, I automatically assume that means my hcg levels are decreasing and another loss is inevitable.
I think the way that I am feeling is normal given what I have been through. I am protecting myself, I am always on the defense. I am incredibly tired of the few people who do know we are pregnant telling me to enjoy the good news and not let myself worry about it. How dare they? I am entitled to my feelings and if this is the way I want to get through this stressful time, then so be it. I am so glad we only told a fraction of the people we did last time at this stage. At this point I don't want people asking me about it, I don't want to feel obligated to give appointment highlights to everyone, I just need to maintain and get through the next six weeks. Pardon the Debbie Downer rant.
With all that being said, I am trying to keep as neutral as possible and not getting myself too worked up. I just bought a new guided meditation by Circle + Bloom which focuses on the early pregnancy so hopefully that will help.
But for now I am pregnant. There is a little baby growing inside me each day and it is my ultimate dream that I get to meet him or her someday.
Well it turns out he saw one sac, one yolk sac and one fluttering heartbeat!! I was so relieved and thrilled. Dr. S was happy to see the heartbeat so early and I could finally breathe again. I think HB was uber relieved that there was only one sac, I don't think he was really ready for the idea of two babies at once, even though I was loved the idea. Dr. S wants to see us again in a couple of weeks as there is nothing else to do but wait and see if the embryo develops properly.
But as quickly as my anxiousness turned to relief it turned back to anxiousness again. I feel like I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop and for the next ultrasound to reveal another missed miscarriage. That this couldn't possibly be real and I couldn't possible be pregnant. I just need to maintain and get through this first trimester and then maybe I can breathe again. If my boobs don't hurt for just one moment out of the day when I jab them, I automatically assume that means my hcg levels are decreasing and another loss is inevitable.
I think the way that I am feeling is normal given what I have been through. I am protecting myself, I am always on the defense. I am incredibly tired of the few people who do know we are pregnant telling me to enjoy the good news and not let myself worry about it. How dare they? I am entitled to my feelings and if this is the way I want to get through this stressful time, then so be it. I am so glad we only told a fraction of the people we did last time at this stage. At this point I don't want people asking me about it, I don't want to feel obligated to give appointment highlights to everyone, I just need to maintain and get through the next six weeks. Pardon the Debbie Downer rant.
With all that being said, I am trying to keep as neutral as possible and not getting myself too worked up. I just bought a new guided meditation by Circle + Bloom which focuses on the early pregnancy so hopefully that will help.
But for now I am pregnant. There is a little baby growing inside me each day and it is my ultimate dream that I get to meet him or her someday.
Saturday, July 4, 2015
The Data Speaks for Itself
I am a data girl. I like to look at the facts and determine what my odds are. As you can see from the table below, my hcg levels not only exceed the average levels for a single baby but also exceed the average numbers for twins! I cannot believe I am finally getting some stolid good news. This either means we have two babies in there or one kick-ass, super baby......I'll happily take either.
Beta #
|
Date
|
Days Past 5 Day Transfer
|
Days Past Ovulation
|
Time Pregnant
|
Time Blood Drawn
|
Time Between Tests
|
Doubling Time
|
My Beta
|
BetaBase Average for Single
|
BetaBase Average for Twins
|
1
|
6/25/15
|
9
|
14
|
4w0d
|
7am
|
N/A
|
N/A
|
125
|
129
|
237
|
2
|
6/27/15
|
11
|
16
|
4w2d
|
7am
|
48
|
31.96
|
354
|
280
|
547
|
3
|
6/29/15
|
13
|
18
|
4w4d
|
5pm
|
58
|
32.15
|
1236
|
582
|
1144
|
4
|
7/1/15
|
15
|
20
|
4w6d
|
12pm
|
43
|
34.17
|
2957
|
1202
|
2320
|
5
|
7/3/15
|
17
|
22
|
5w1d
|
11am
|
47
|
50.54
|
5634
|
2321
|
4695
|
I don't know how I forgot to mention the significance of the ultrasound I had a couple or days ago, but I did. The day I went in to see Dr. S was exactly one year to the day that we went into see him and found out we lost our first baby. I was kind of hesitant to go in on the 1 year anniversary of such a traumatic event in my life but did it anyway. Luckily this time we didn't get awful news which I am so relieved about. I just hope things continue on such a good path.
It's hard to allow myself to let my guard down and actually enjoy the small victories, this is something I really need to work on or else this is going to be a very long nine months. Each time I get a piece of good news I immediately move my worry on to the next milestone I need to conquer. I think its understandable to feel the way I do after going through what I have been through but I need to try to enjoy what I have when I have it. Rather than be miserable the entire time. Like I mentioned before, if I continue this is will be an extremely long nine months.
I'll be sure to work on that.
Symptoms: I still don't have much in the way of symptoms but here is what I have noticed so far, real or imaginary: slightly sore boobs/nipples (firmer as well), wonkie feeling when I stand up (see spots) sometimes, really thirsty, super tired.
Symptoms: I still don't have much in the way of symptoms but here is what I have noticed so far, real or imaginary: slightly sore boobs/nipples (firmer as well), wonkie feeling when I stand up (see spots) sometimes, really thirsty, super tired.
Friday, July 3, 2015
Betas #3-#5
Well, I don't really have an excellent excuse for not writing the past few days except for extreme laziness. I have been SOOOOO tired lately it's ridiculous. Yesterday I came home from work and slept for two and a half hours and still ended up going to be around 9:30. It was crazy. I suppose fatigue is the only symptom I am showing at the moment, although I wish I was having more. I would feel more reassured that way. Luckily, however, my OB/GYN knows me (and my crazy) and has been greatly accommodating to my neurosis and has let me come in for additional betas beyond what my RE ordered. Other that the fatigue I had some minor twinges/pulls in my uterus, a quick spell or two of dizziness and sometimes I convince myself I am nauseous....but I don't know if that is really true.
I called my OB/GYNs medical assistant because I knew she would be really excited as she has been helping me through all of my surgeries, IVF, miscarriages, D&Cs, etc. As I imagined, she was thrilled and said that although it was extremely early Dr. S might be able to see me for an ultrasound. She has me come in that evening for some blood work to check my hcg and progesterone. which was exactly what I was hoping she would do. Watching my beta continue to rise will totally ease my mind. I got my results the next day. My beta rose from 354 to 1236 in 58 hours. That's amazing!!! That number absolutely exceeded my expectation!!!! I feel like we may be in twin territory with those numbers. Side note, progesterone came back at 20.8, which she said was great!
Two days later, at 15dp5dt/20dpo/4w6d I went in for an ultrasound. I can't describe how nervous I was, even though I knew there was a likelihood that we were not going to see much. From the research I have done most people just see empty sacks at this point. I didn't care though, I wanted to see that sack and know that we are on the right track and the baby wasn't growing in my tube or something awful like that. So Dr. S put in the wand.....of course the monitor that I was supposed to look to see what was going on was broken, so we had to sit and wait while Dr. S evaluated the situation and left us nearly dying in suspense. Silence. Then he pulls the wand out and says, "How far along are you supposed to be?" We froze with terror.
For those you who I have told about Dr. S you know that while he is a brilliant OB/GYN and surgeon he is less amazing with his bedside manner and remembering details , ie my name and surgeries (that he performed on me) for example. This is something I am not particularly fond of but have learned to live with over the years as he is the best as what he does, and I know I am in excellent hand while in his care.
I told him that we were only 4w1d and then he seemed to relax. He told me and HB that the ultrasound showed exactly what it should at that point.....a sac with the beginning of a yolk sack in my uterus...not my tube. All good news. Then I asked, did you see one or two? I was hoping to at least find out if we were having twins or not. He said he wasn't sure, but thought one. I am thinking that because he didn't know we transferred two, he didn't spend the time looking around for the second one. I still truly believe there are two in there. But needless to say, I am ecstatic for whatever is growing inside of me, 1 or 2!! Either way we would be extremely grateful.
Dr. S told me that we probably wouldn't see the heartbeat until around 6w2d. Which lands on a Saturday, meaning that I could not come in until that Monday, 11 days later. Well that just wasn't going to work for me so I asked if I could come in next week. He agreed as long as I promise that I wouldn't be disappointed if we didn't see a heartbeat as it would still be pretty early. I promised and we now have a ultrasound scheduled for next week.
They drew my blood again, because I asked them too and it came back at 2957!!!! It more than doubled in less than 48 hours. Everything is right on track. I hope more than anything this continues.
While looking at my post appointment notes online I saw that Dr. S ordered recurring hcg test for every 2 days until 07/31/2015. He didn't tell me to go in but I took this as a sign and did anyways today and just got those results back....5634!! Not quite doubling in 48 hours but very close. I have learned that once your hcg hits around 1200 doubling times slow from 48-72 hours to 72-92 hours. This time doubling time was 50 hours so again, right on track, even better actually!!!
I don't want to get myself too excited but this really feels like it could be it!! Until the ultrasound, I will be keeping everything crossed and trying to keep myself busy to pass the time.
I called my OB/GYNs medical assistant because I knew she would be really excited as she has been helping me through all of my surgeries, IVF, miscarriages, D&Cs, etc. As I imagined, she was thrilled and said that although it was extremely early Dr. S might be able to see me for an ultrasound. She has me come in that evening for some blood work to check my hcg and progesterone. which was exactly what I was hoping she would do. Watching my beta continue to rise will totally ease my mind. I got my results the next day. My beta rose from 354 to 1236 in 58 hours. That's amazing!!! That number absolutely exceeded my expectation!!!! I feel like we may be in twin territory with those numbers. Side note, progesterone came back at 20.8, which she said was great!
Two days later, at 15dp5dt/20dpo/4w6d I went in for an ultrasound. I can't describe how nervous I was, even though I knew there was a likelihood that we were not going to see much. From the research I have done most people just see empty sacks at this point. I didn't care though, I wanted to see that sack and know that we are on the right track and the baby wasn't growing in my tube or something awful like that. So Dr. S put in the wand.....of course the monitor that I was supposed to look to see what was going on was broken, so we had to sit and wait while Dr. S evaluated the situation and left us nearly dying in suspense. Silence. Then he pulls the wand out and says, "How far along are you supposed to be?" We froze with terror.
For those you who I have told about Dr. S you know that while he is a brilliant OB/GYN and surgeon he is less amazing with his bedside manner and remembering details , ie my name and surgeries (that he performed on me) for example. This is something I am not particularly fond of but have learned to live with over the years as he is the best as what he does, and I know I am in excellent hand while in his care.
I told him that we were only 4w1d and then he seemed to relax. He told me and HB that the ultrasound showed exactly what it should at that point.....a sac with the beginning of a yolk sack in my uterus...not my tube. All good news. Then I asked, did you see one or two? I was hoping to at least find out if we were having twins or not. He said he wasn't sure, but thought one. I am thinking that because he didn't know we transferred two, he didn't spend the time looking around for the second one. I still truly believe there are two in there. But needless to say, I am ecstatic for whatever is growing inside of me, 1 or 2!! Either way we would be extremely grateful.
Dr. S told me that we probably wouldn't see the heartbeat until around 6w2d. Which lands on a Saturday, meaning that I could not come in until that Monday, 11 days later. Well that just wasn't going to work for me so I asked if I could come in next week. He agreed as long as I promise that I wouldn't be disappointed if we didn't see a heartbeat as it would still be pretty early. I promised and we now have a ultrasound scheduled for next week.
They drew my blood again, because I asked them too and it came back at 2957!!!! It more than doubled in less than 48 hours. Everything is right on track. I hope more than anything this continues.
While looking at my post appointment notes online I saw that Dr. S ordered recurring hcg test for every 2 days until 07/31/2015. He didn't tell me to go in but I took this as a sign and did anyways today and just got those results back....5634!! Not quite doubling in 48 hours but very close. I have learned that once your hcg hits around 1200 doubling times slow from 48-72 hours to 72-92 hours. This time doubling time was 50 hours so again, right on track, even better actually!!!
I don't want to get myself too excited but this really feels like it could be it!! Until the ultrasound, I will be keeping everything crossed and trying to keep myself busy to pass the time.
Sunday, June 28, 2015
Beta #2
I couldn't of been more impressed or surprised by our second beta result. I definitely wasn't expecting this. And the results are.......
It went from 125 on 9dp5dt to 354 on 11dp5dt!!! That's a doubling time of 32 hours! I really couldn't believe it when I read the results. I was stunned.
I am trying extremely hard to maintain my expectations. I know that really anything could happen at this point and I don't want to get overly excited about something that could so easily and quickly be taken away from me.
I want this baby (or babies) so badly. This is all I have ever wanted and I am so close to it I can see it. But what if I lose them again? What if I have to go through all the pain and sadness again. Can we handle that? I wish there was someway that I could know ahead of time which way this was going to go so that I could prepare myself. I wish I could have some control over this but of course I know this is out of my hands.
How will I get through the next couple of weeks until the first ultrasound? Its going to be so hard not knowing if everything is going well in there. I forget how I passed the time the last time.
Yesterday (11dp5dt) and today (12dp5dt) I have still been feeling pulls down in my uterus. Primarily it has been over on the right side which is different because I typically felt most sensations on my left side previously, but I will take what I can get. I hope this means that they are growing. Other than that I haven't had any symptoms really. My boobs have not been sore, although I have been pushing against them so much to see if they are sore I am surprised that they aren't by now. I never thought I would say this but I wish I was nauseous. If I were nauseous, I would at least know that something is going on in me. The lack of symptoms is worse than actually having them (or at least that is what I imagine).
So now I will try to fill my time with anything that will make the days go by more quickly and try to trust in the fact that everything is going according to plan and in 9 months I will give birth to our baby and all of my dreams come true.
Easier said than done.
It went from 125 on 9dp5dt to 354 on 11dp5dt!!! That's a doubling time of 32 hours! I really couldn't believe it when I read the results. I was stunned.
I am trying extremely hard to maintain my expectations. I know that really anything could happen at this point and I don't want to get overly excited about something that could so easily and quickly be taken away from me.
I want this baby (or babies) so badly. This is all I have ever wanted and I am so close to it I can see it. But what if I lose them again? What if I have to go through all the pain and sadness again. Can we handle that? I wish there was someway that I could know ahead of time which way this was going to go so that I could prepare myself. I wish I could have some control over this but of course I know this is out of my hands.
How will I get through the next couple of weeks until the first ultrasound? Its going to be so hard not knowing if everything is going well in there. I forget how I passed the time the last time.
Yesterday (11dp5dt) and today (12dp5dt) I have still been feeling pulls down in my uterus. Primarily it has been over on the right side which is different because I typically felt most sensations on my left side previously, but I will take what I can get. I hope this means that they are growing. Other than that I haven't had any symptoms really. My boobs have not been sore, although I have been pushing against them so much to see if they are sore I am surprised that they aren't by now. I never thought I would say this but I wish I was nauseous. If I were nauseous, I would at least know that something is going on in me. The lack of symptoms is worse than actually having them (or at least that is what I imagine).
So now I will try to fill my time with anything that will make the days go by more quickly and try to trust in the fact that everything is going according to plan and in 9 months I will give birth to our baby and all of my dreams come true.
Easier said than done.
Thursday, June 25, 2015
Beta #1
It's official!!! I'm pregnant.....beta #1 came back at 124 on 9dp5dt!! I think that's a pretty solid number!
I am feeling really good, and am trying to enjoy where we are in this process without ruining it by worrying about Saturday's results. Wouldn't it be amazing if my beta more than doubled and I didn't have to go through beta hell not overanalyzing it?? I think that would be perfect. My happy number for Saturday would be 300 so lets hope it gets there.
For the time being, I will take comfort in knowing that I am pregnant and that there is a baby (or two) currently growing inside. What an awesome thought!
I don't have much as far as symptoms right now. My boobs are not sore today. I had a few pinches/pulls/twinges in my lower abdomen and some leg cramping but that's about it. Hopefully more symptoms come soon.
I am feeling really good, and am trying to enjoy where we are in this process without ruining it by worrying about Saturday's results. Wouldn't it be amazing if my beta more than doubled and I didn't have to go through beta hell not overanalyzing it?? I think that would be perfect. My happy number for Saturday would be 300 so lets hope it gets there.
For the time being, I will take comfort in knowing that I am pregnant and that there is a baby (or two) currently growing inside. What an awesome thought!
I don't have much as far as symptoms right now. My boobs are not sore today. I had a few pinches/pulls/twinges in my lower abdomen and some leg cramping but that's about it. Hopefully more symptoms come soon.
Wednesday, June 24, 2015
8DP5DT
I have finally come to a place where I can somewhat enjoy the fact that I am somewhat pregnant. This morning I tested, per usual, however, I didn't frantically wake up at 4am and race to the loo. I managed to comfortably sleep the whole night through, woke up relaxed and casually tested. This is what I saw:
Even darker than the day before!! I am now more hopeful than ever that this could really be happening.
Tomorrow is beta and I am hoping for a good, strong number. The first time we were pregnant beta #1 was 89........I am hoping to double......or even triple that. That maybe wishful thinking.....but that's me. I am a dreamer, an optimist (even though I am really good at masking my happy thoughts with sarcasm and bitter rants) deep down inside I am always hoping for the happy ending.
So here I am, at this awful stage between PUPO and confirming this is a viable pregnancy. There is always something to wait for in this process and I am afraid it only gets worse from here. You thought I was bad about obsessing over pee sticks? Well, now I have to fight myself from going into straight up overdrive of Googling and overanalyzing each beta and then, hopefully, waiting for the first ultrasound and seeing a heartbeat. This is going to be a long couple of weeks. But as usual, I am getting ahead of myself.
Let me just take the rest of the evening to enjoy where I am today and know that Thing 1 and Thing 2 are comfortable resting and growing inside me.
I like the thought of that.
Even darker than the day before!! I am now more hopeful than ever that this could really be happening.
Tomorrow is beta and I am hoping for a good, strong number. The first time we were pregnant beta #1 was 89........I am hoping to double......or even triple that. That maybe wishful thinking.....but that's me. I am a dreamer, an optimist (even though I am really good at masking my happy thoughts with sarcasm and bitter rants) deep down inside I am always hoping for the happy ending.
So here I am, at this awful stage between PUPO and confirming this is a viable pregnancy. There is always something to wait for in this process and I am afraid it only gets worse from here. You thought I was bad about obsessing over pee sticks? Well, now I have to fight myself from going into straight up overdrive of Googling and overanalyzing each beta and then, hopefully, waiting for the first ultrasound and seeing a heartbeat. This is going to be a long couple of weeks. But as usual, I am getting ahead of myself.
Let me just take the rest of the evening to enjoy where I am today and know that Thing 1 and Thing 2 are comfortable resting and growing inside me.
I like the thought of that.
Tuesday, June 23, 2015
7DP5DT - Look who decided to join the party....
FINALLY!!! At 7dp5dt (at around 5:30 pm) the Dollar Tree (DT) test finally got with the program and showed a decent positive result! Thank goodness because I was having a really difficult time enjoying my positive FRERs knowing in the back of my mind that the DT tests were barely showing anything.
I am less of a fan of the DT tests then I ever have ever been before. I hear they are really accurate when you get a positive but I don't know if it is worth it to wait that long before getting any sort of decent result. Especially for how often I test and for how I depend on each and every result......not healthy, I know, but at least I am being truthful.
While taking a ride on the honesty train I suppose I should share the rest of the pictures I have compulsive taken of today's tests.
*****Please note, this is where you are supposed to refrain from judging me........I have an addiction sir!!!
As you can see each result is getting progressive darker which I am thrilled about. This is really leading me to believe this could be happening for us, but I don't want to jinx it.
Today I had a few aches and pains in my belly, some more cervix cramping and a stitch in my side that really sucked.......but I am grateful for it all because it seems like everything is working.
The real issue has been my lack of concentration. I am so incredibly occupied with what could be happening in my body that I have been having trouble focusing on anything else. This isn't a huge deal when I am at home but it isn't the best feeling to feel so distracted at work. To tell you the truth though, I don't think I have control over all of it though. Some of it I do, but I attribute some of it to the fatigue I am feeling which may be a result of my possible pregnancy. Luckily, I have a kickass boss who is extremely understanding which makes me feel alittle better. I know once I get the results of the betas I will be able to focus on things other than pee sticks. God......I barely remember what that is like.
More to come.
Monday, June 22, 2015
6DP5DT
Today has left me pretty confused. I was really feeling pretty confident after yesterday's positive and woke up this morning excited to test and see a dark line. I woke up around 5:30, crept into the bathroom and did three tests.....(yikes, I know!) a Dollar tree, a First Response Early Response (FRER) and a Clearblue Easy Digital. Here is what I saw:
I should be excited right!?!? The digital says YES, the FRER has a darker line than yesterday......but the line on that fucking Dollar Tree test is almost non-existent! What does this mean? Why can't they all just align? I feel lieke in my previous cycles I always got a positive result on the cheapies first. So what is going on now? Am I having another chemical pregnancy? Should I really be concerned with the results of a $1 test, when the brand name ones are giving me positive results? So many questions. So much POAS.
I am trying not to stress out about it because it really looks like with each day the FRERs are getting darker which is exactly what we need to happen. But then there is always that dark cloud over my head reminding not to get too excited because of Dollar Tree test.
As far as symptoms, I have had a few. The first being, I had a really annoying headache all day. I don't typically get headaches so I am counting that as a good sign.....although an annoying one. I was pretty tired all day, I ended up coming home from work and taking an 1 1/2 hour nap which is unusual for a work day (I'm not gonna lie, sometimes on the weekends I nap).
The only other thing that concerns me is that my boobs aren't sore anymore. I didn't mention that as a symptom previously because I was sure that it wasn't a sign of pregnancy. I believed it was side effect of the prometrium I have been taking twice daily as they were sore even before the transfer, however, today.....nothing. Don't know what that means.
All I can do is wait. I only have two more work days before I can go test, that's not too much longer but it also feels like a lifetime away. Hang in there Thing 1 and Thing 2, I am really routing for you.
 |
| 6dpt ClearBlue, FRER and Dollar Tree |
I should be excited right!?!? The digital says YES, the FRER has a darker line than yesterday......but the line on that fucking Dollar Tree test is almost non-existent! What does this mean? Why can't they all just align? I feel lieke in my previous cycles I always got a positive result on the cheapies first. So what is going on now? Am I having another chemical pregnancy? Should I really be concerned with the results of a $1 test, when the brand name ones are giving me positive results? So many questions. So much POAS.
I am trying not to stress out about it because it really looks like with each day the FRERs are getting darker which is exactly what we need to happen. But then there is always that dark cloud over my head reminding not to get too excited because of Dollar Tree test.
 |
| FRERs from day 4dpt to 6dpt |
As far as symptoms, I have had a few. The first being, I had a really annoying headache all day. I don't typically get headaches so I am counting that as a good sign.....although an annoying one. I was pretty tired all day, I ended up coming home from work and taking an 1 1/2 hour nap which is unusual for a work day (I'm not gonna lie, sometimes on the weekends I nap).
The only other thing that concerns me is that my boobs aren't sore anymore. I didn't mention that as a symptom previously because I was sure that it wasn't a sign of pregnancy. I believed it was side effect of the prometrium I have been taking twice daily as they were sore even before the transfer, however, today.....nothing. Don't know what that means.
All I can do is wait. I only have two more work days before I can go test, that's not too much longer but it also feels like a lifetime away. Hang in there Thing 1 and Thing 2, I am really routing for you.
Sunday, June 21, 2015
5DP5DT
And we have another positive!!! This morning I woke up anxious, per usual, and went straight to the loo hoping for my next small miracle....and I got it. I skipped the Dollar Tree test and went straight to the First Response because I wanted to make sure I got the most accurate result. And what do you know, a few minutes later a second line popped up! Its still not as dark as the control line but it is definitely there (see below). I waited until HB got up for work and before he left I showed him the test and wished him a happy Fathers Day. He said he saw the second line but didn't show the enthusiasm I was hoping for, but that is because he is smart. He is guarded from all the bad shit that has happened to us with the IVF. I wish I could be more like that, but I am a wear my emotions on my sleeve, and am usually overly happy or overly sad mess.
This is the earliest I have gotten a positive result. Which leads me to hope that both Thing 1 and Thing 2 are starting to grow. At this point I think it would be amazing to have twins!! (Remind me of this when I am elbow deep in 2x the diapers and 2x the spit up and 2x the crying in roughly 9 months!).
4DP5DT
And we have a positive!! Now, to the untrained eye it may appear that there is not a second line on this test but I assure you its there. It is very very faint but it is very very there. I don't want to get myself too excited but it's there and I am relieved. I know I still have a long way to go and lots of overanalyzing to do, but we are off to a good start. It is still very early but to already be getting a positive, as light as it may be, is a really good sign. This could mean that both Thing 1 and Thing 2 attached.....we could be having twins! Wouldn't that be amazing?!?
Today we celebrated Father's Day (a day early because HB has to work tomorrow) which was really nice because: a) we got to celebrate a really kick-ass dad; and, b) a full day at the beach kept me fully distracted and unable to POAS and/or Google. It was a beautiful day and we all had a great time. A day complete with boogie boarding, surfing, relaxing, hanging with friends, bonfire and smores!
I haven't told HB yet that I have started testing although I am sure he can tell from the wrappers that are building up in the trash bin. I don't want to tell him until I am really confident that it is real. He tends to stay in reality and prefers to wait for the actual blood test before getting excited, which leaves me walking the streets of crazytown alone. But if it appears the line is getting darker tomorrow, I may show him for Father's Day.
3DP5DT
I tested again this morning and on a Dollar Tree test and I couldn't really see anything, which I guess I am excited about because that means the trigger is on its way out of my system.
As far a symptoms, I didn't notice anything for most of the day which had me a little concerned. However, around six (pm) I started to have some sharp intermittent stabbing pains in/on my cervix until about 10. I don't know what this means and haven't really heard about it in my thousands of hours of Googling IVF, but then again, I hadn't been looking for it either. So I start searching and it turns out that this happens to a lot of women (you can pretty much find anything that will support your beliefs/hopes which is why Google is so dangerous). Anyhow, the women that did have cervix pain seemed to have good results so I am just going to go with that and stay in my happy place knowing that.
Other than that I have been a little more emotional than I usually am (which is very). My step-daughter (A) and I had a date night and saw Inside Out and I totally cried at the end. It's a cartoon. That's ridiculous.
On another note, I completely stocked up on Dollar Tree HPTs today. I bought 20. I kid you not. I have issues.
Hopefully tomorrow will bring good news.
As far a symptoms, I didn't notice anything for most of the day which had me a little concerned. However, around six (pm) I started to have some sharp intermittent stabbing pains in/on my cervix until about 10. I don't know what this means and haven't really heard about it in my thousands of hours of Googling IVF, but then again, I hadn't been looking for it either. So I start searching and it turns out that this happens to a lot of women (you can pretty much find anything that will support your beliefs/hopes which is why Google is so dangerous). Anyhow, the women that did have cervix pain seemed to have good results so I am just going to go with that and stay in my happy place knowing that.
Other than that I have been a little more emotional than I usually am (which is very). My step-daughter (A) and I had a date night and saw Inside Out and I totally cried at the end. It's a cartoon. That's ridiculous.
On another note, I completely stocked up on Dollar Tree HPTs today. I bought 20. I kid you not. I have issues.
Hopefully tomorrow will bring good news.
2DP5DT
2DP5DT - 06/18/2015
And so it begins. And by "it" I mean the POAS craziness I inevitably fall into each time I do an IVF cycle. I don't know why I do it. There is absolutely no way that the test would come back positive. I am smart enough to know that, yet I do it anyway. Thing 1 and Thing 2 probably aren't even implanted yet let alone producing enough HCG to generate a positive result.
Even with this knowledge sitting at the forefront of my brain, I pulled out a left over dollar tree test I had from last cycle and POAS. I jumped in the shower and tried not to think about it. I hopped out and leaned in very close to the test (as I didn't have my contacts in yet) and nearly had a heart attack when I saw a (very blurry) shadow of a line!!!
A few minutes after my initial shock, logic and reason set in and I knew the line I saw isn't in fact a positive pregnancy result, it was the trigger shot still leftover in my system from the week before, the 10k IU of HCG that was shot in my behind to induce ovulation before the retrieval. I took a deep breath, threw the test away and decided its good that I will be able to 'test out' the trigger shot so that when I get my positive result I'll know its really real.
As I mentioned before, I knew exactly what the positive result was, I knew I was not yet actually pregnant and yet that did not stop me from compulsively Googling things like: "2dp5dt faint BFP", "earliest BFP IVF", "how long does it take for hcg trigger to leave your system?" all day! Because somewhere is the very back of my mind I thought that I maybe the one person in the whole wide world that a true 2dp5dt positive could happen to.......ut then I remember life doesn't work that way and I try to make myself enter back into reality.
My self control for Googling while in the two week wait (TWW) is non existent. I cannot stop it.
This is going to be a very long two weeks.
As far as symptoms, I have none. Luckily, the cramps from 1dp5dt were knocked out with the one Tylenol and haven't come back. And yet I do want them to come back because that would mean its working and that I am pregnant. IVF really fucks with your mind.
I really hope tomorrow's home pregnancy test (hpt) comes back negative tomorrow (because you know I will be testing). That way I know the trigger will be out of my system and I can be ready for my real positive!!!
And so it begins. And by "it" I mean the POAS craziness I inevitably fall into each time I do an IVF cycle. I don't know why I do it. There is absolutely no way that the test would come back positive. I am smart enough to know that, yet I do it anyway. Thing 1 and Thing 2 probably aren't even implanted yet let alone producing enough HCG to generate a positive result.
Even with this knowledge sitting at the forefront of my brain, I pulled out a left over dollar tree test I had from last cycle and POAS. I jumped in the shower and tried not to think about it. I hopped out and leaned in very close to the test (as I didn't have my contacts in yet) and nearly had a heart attack when I saw a (very blurry) shadow of a line!!!
A few minutes after my initial shock, logic and reason set in and I knew the line I saw isn't in fact a positive pregnancy result, it was the trigger shot still leftover in my system from the week before, the 10k IU of HCG that was shot in my behind to induce ovulation before the retrieval. I took a deep breath, threw the test away and decided its good that I will be able to 'test out' the trigger shot so that when I get my positive result I'll know its really real.
As I mentioned before, I knew exactly what the positive result was, I knew I was not yet actually pregnant and yet that did not stop me from compulsively Googling things like: "2dp5dt faint BFP", "earliest BFP IVF", "how long does it take for hcg trigger to leave your system?" all day! Because somewhere is the very back of my mind I thought that I maybe the one person in the whole wide world that a true 2dp5dt positive could happen to.......ut then I remember life doesn't work that way and I try to make myself enter back into reality.
My self control for Googling while in the two week wait (TWW) is non existent. I cannot stop it.
This is going to be a very long two weeks.
As far as symptoms, I have none. Luckily, the cramps from 1dp5dt were knocked out with the one Tylenol and haven't come back. And yet I do want them to come back because that would mean its working and that I am pregnant. IVF really fucks with your mind.
I really hope tomorrow's home pregnancy test (hpt) comes back negative tomorrow (because you know I will be testing). That way I know the trigger will be out of my system and I can be ready for my real positive!!!
Friday, June 19, 2015
1DP5DT
1DP5DT - 06/17/2015
1DP5DT was interesting. I didn't feel much in the morning. It was in the afternoon that the cramps started. Steady, dull cramping which began in my uterus and eventually traveled down to my legs. It was reminiscent of my usual period pains, and it was pretty obnoxious. It was distracting and painful and I just wanted it to go away. Even though I knew deep down that feeling this way may indicate implantation, but I didn't want to get myself too excited.
Since I didn't want to take any of my usual pain meds while my little embryos were getting cozy, I emailed my REs office and asked if I could use my heating pad on low. I figured that since I woke up from the transfer and had a nice cozy heating pad on my stomach yesterday, that they would give me the green light to snuggle up with one again.
I received a reply that clearly stated I was not advised to use a heating pad at any level as it could harm the embryos. The minute I read this my heart stopped. Instantly, I thought waking up with a heating pad the day before was a terrible oversight made by distracted nurses and I had inadvertently boiled my embryos to death before they ever had a chance to implant (dark, I know).
I quickly responded with my concerns. While waiting for a response, I feverishly searched Google for some sort of answer. Google I might add is not an IVFer's best friend, while you can pretty much always find something positive that supports the subject you are researching, you can equally find something that completely shuts your positivity down and crushes your dreams within seconds. Use it at your own risk ladies.
Anyhow, my frienemy Google told me that under no circumstances should one ever use a heating pad post transfer......I about lost my shit! How could this be over before it even started? As I neared a breakdown an email popped up in my inbox from my REs office which explained that it was ok to use a heating pad the day of the transfer as the embryos have not yet implanted at that point. Therefore, there was no risk for Thing 1 and Thing 2 (I have always liked Dr. Seuss so lets go with those names for now). What a relief! Crisis averted.
My nurse said it was safe to take Tylenol or Norco for pain if necessary but I tried to hold of on that as I did not want to dope up my kids and make them think twice about implanting themselves into my nice fluffy lining.
For hours I just sat there in pain. It wasn't until about 8pm that I finally figured it would be better to take a Tylenol (just one, not two) and help ease the pain, instead of hurting and stressing my body out when it was supposed to be zen and creating a happy home. I reluctantly took the pill and felt the sweet relief within the hour. I was able to fall asleep shortly after that and have not felt any of the same pain since.
Also taking place on 1DP5DT was a conference call with my RE to discuss how the transfer went. She wasn't available to come by and talk to us after the procedure which I thought was strange but that is neither here nor there.
RE stated that she was happy with how smoothly the process went given how difficult the previous ones had been. She was pretty straightforward in telling me that did have to use a tenaculum, but did so without traumatizing my insides and causing unnecessary blood lost and she used a soft catheter to easily place Thing 1 and Thing 2 in their new home for the next nine months.
And now here's the fun part of the conversation. I decided to be daring and ask my RE what my odds were for getting prego given the stellar quality of the embryos we transferred. I was expecting her to deflect the question and move on to something else as she usually doesn't indulge me in those types of things but she nearly knocked my socks off when she said......."I give it a 60-70 percent chance of working." WHAT!?! In the IVF world, those kinds of odds are huge. That totally made my day.
And then I realized........This could really happen.
1DP5DT was interesting. I didn't feel much in the morning. It was in the afternoon that the cramps started. Steady, dull cramping which began in my uterus and eventually traveled down to my legs. It was reminiscent of my usual period pains, and it was pretty obnoxious. It was distracting and painful and I just wanted it to go away. Even though I knew deep down that feeling this way may indicate implantation, but I didn't want to get myself too excited.
Since I didn't want to take any of my usual pain meds while my little embryos were getting cozy, I emailed my REs office and asked if I could use my heating pad on low. I figured that since I woke up from the transfer and had a nice cozy heating pad on my stomach yesterday, that they would give me the green light to snuggle up with one again.
I received a reply that clearly stated I was not advised to use a heating pad at any level as it could harm the embryos. The minute I read this my heart stopped. Instantly, I thought waking up with a heating pad the day before was a terrible oversight made by distracted nurses and I had inadvertently boiled my embryos to death before they ever had a chance to implant (dark, I know).
I quickly responded with my concerns. While waiting for a response, I feverishly searched Google for some sort of answer. Google I might add is not an IVFer's best friend, while you can pretty much always find something positive that supports the subject you are researching, you can equally find something that completely shuts your positivity down and crushes your dreams within seconds. Use it at your own risk ladies.
Anyhow, my frienemy Google told me that under no circumstances should one ever use a heating pad post transfer......I about lost my shit! How could this be over before it even started? As I neared a breakdown an email popped up in my inbox from my REs office which explained that it was ok to use a heating pad the day of the transfer as the embryos have not yet implanted at that point. Therefore, there was no risk for Thing 1 and Thing 2 (I have always liked Dr. Seuss so lets go with those names for now). What a relief! Crisis averted.
My nurse said it was safe to take Tylenol or Norco for pain if necessary but I tried to hold of on that as I did not want to dope up my kids and make them think twice about implanting themselves into my nice fluffy lining.
For hours I just sat there in pain. It wasn't until about 8pm that I finally figured it would be better to take a Tylenol (just one, not two) and help ease the pain, instead of hurting and stressing my body out when it was supposed to be zen and creating a happy home. I reluctantly took the pill and felt the sweet relief within the hour. I was able to fall asleep shortly after that and have not felt any of the same pain since.
Also taking place on 1DP5DT was a conference call with my RE to discuss how the transfer went. She wasn't available to come by and talk to us after the procedure which I thought was strange but that is neither here nor there.
RE stated that she was happy with how smoothly the process went given how difficult the previous ones had been. She was pretty straightforward in telling me that did have to use a tenaculum, but did so without traumatizing my insides and causing unnecessary blood lost and she used a soft catheter to easily place Thing 1 and Thing 2 in their new home for the next nine months.
And now here's the fun part of the conversation. I decided to be daring and ask my RE what my odds were for getting prego given the stellar quality of the embryos we transferred. I was expecting her to deflect the question and move on to something else as she usually doesn't indulge me in those types of things but she nearly knocked my socks off when she said......."I give it a 60-70 percent chance of working." WHAT!?! In the IVF world, those kinds of odds are huge. That totally made my day.
And then I realized........This could really happen.
Thursday, June 18, 2015
IVF #3: Retrieval - Transfer
Those of you that are living with infertility know there are acronyms up the ying yang to describe almost anything you are dealing with in this process. However, for those you who don't know I will try my best to define what the heck I am talking about. I swear you need a secret decoder ring to be in this club. When I first started reading through different blogs and support boards I thought I was going to go insane.
Here are a few examples:
PUPO - pregnant until proven otherwise
POAS - pee on a stick
BFP - big fat postitive
BFN - big fat negative
FET - frozen embryo transfer
DH - darling husband
DD/DS - darling daughter/darling son
RE - reproductive endocrinologist
MC - miscarriage
2dp5dt - 2 days past 5 day transfer
......are you kidding me? Is it that hard to spell out the words? For the most part I try to stay away from the most of the acronyms (i.e. BFP and DH [even though my husband is in-fact darling, I prefer to call him by the nickname I gave him, Hot Bartender]), but I digress.
Getting back on track.....
IVF #3 Stats
Cycle started: 05/25/15
Days of injections: 15
Meds:
10mg Lupron 2x a day
425 units Follistim
150 IU Menopur
Omnitrope 2.5 mg
Retrieval: 06/11/15
Follicles retrieved: 8
Mature follicles: 7
Transfer: 06/16/15
Embryos transferred: 2 grade one hatching blastocysts (blast)
Embryos stored/frozen: 1 grade two hatching blasts
1st Beta: 06/25/15
I did my hormone injections for a total of 15 days. A normal cycle is typically 9 days. It is stressful to have to continue injections days past when normal women get to stop. It took until stimulation (stim) day 7 before my follicles decided to grow (at the max dose) and then an additional 8 days past that until they were the right size for retrieval. Not to mention the almost daily 1 1/2 hour commute to and from San Francisco for appointments while working full time. I was quite a mess. I had myself convinced they were going to cancel my cycle but each day I just tried to remain positive and do what I could to stay as stress free as possible. Finally by cycle day (CD) 15 my little follicles were ready to go!
The retrieval went well for the most part, they were able to get 8 follicles, 7 of which were mature. My normal RE was not able to perform the retrieval and much to my dismay an RE who very traumatically performed my last transfer was the one scheduled to get my precious follicles safely out of my body, we will call her Dr. X. I tried not to freak out too much and take comfort in the fact that she has been doing this for a very long time and that everything was going to be ok. And everything was, until I started bleeding pretty heavily. I have not bled with my two previous retrievals and truly believe it was due to the carelessness and rush of Dr. X that caused it to happen this time. Luckily a few days later the bleeding and the cramping subsided and our embryos were safely growing in a petri dish.
Because it is so difficult to transfer due to my cervix being positioned the way it is (Dr. X had use a tenaculum the last transfer which is a little less than a torture device) my RE and I decided it would be best to use anesthesia for the transfer to make it go smoothly for both parties involved. It is fairly uncommon for women to be put under for the transfer but if I have learned nothing from this journey I have learned I am not like other women and for me, being put under was perfect. In and out in less than 15 minutes with 2 grade 1 hatching blast snuggling up in my fluffy lining (Go team twins!). I also received on-site acupuncture directly before and after the transfer which was amazing. I didn't even have to move.
We headed home about an hour and a half after the transfer. On the way back, I was resting and snacking on pinapple and pomegranate juice (two foods I heard that help with implantation. I have no idea if it is true, but figured it couldn't hurt anything). Later in the drive HB pointed out that he saw a deer on the hills on the side of the highway. Not an unusual site, however, this particular deer was strolling around with her two fawns. I think it was a sign, I have a good feeling about this cycle.
Here are a few examples:
PUPO - pregnant until proven otherwise
POAS - pee on a stick
BFP - big fat postitive
BFN - big fat negative
FET - frozen embryo transfer
DH - darling husband
DD/DS - darling daughter/darling son
RE - reproductive endocrinologist
MC - miscarriage
2dp5dt - 2 days past 5 day transfer
......are you kidding me? Is it that hard to spell out the words? For the most part I try to stay away from the most of the acronyms (i.e. BFP and DH [even though my husband is in-fact darling, I prefer to call him by the nickname I gave him, Hot Bartender]), but I digress.
Getting back on track.....
IVF #3 Stats
Cycle started: 05/25/15
Days of injections: 15
Meds:
10mg Lupron 2x a day
425 units Follistim
150 IU Menopur
Omnitrope 2.5 mg
Retrieval: 06/11/15
Follicles retrieved: 8
Mature follicles: 7
Transfer: 06/16/15
Embryos transferred: 2 grade one hatching blastocysts (blast)
Embryos stored/frozen: 1 grade two hatching blasts
1st Beta: 06/25/15
I did my hormone injections for a total of 15 days. A normal cycle is typically 9 days. It is stressful to have to continue injections days past when normal women get to stop. It took until stimulation (stim) day 7 before my follicles decided to grow (at the max dose) and then an additional 8 days past that until they were the right size for retrieval. Not to mention the almost daily 1 1/2 hour commute to and from San Francisco for appointments while working full time. I was quite a mess. I had myself convinced they were going to cancel my cycle but each day I just tried to remain positive and do what I could to stay as stress free as possible. Finally by cycle day (CD) 15 my little follicles were ready to go!
The retrieval went well for the most part, they were able to get 8 follicles, 7 of which were mature. My normal RE was not able to perform the retrieval and much to my dismay an RE who very traumatically performed my last transfer was the one scheduled to get my precious follicles safely out of my body, we will call her Dr. X. I tried not to freak out too much and take comfort in the fact that she has been doing this for a very long time and that everything was going to be ok. And everything was, until I started bleeding pretty heavily. I have not bled with my two previous retrievals and truly believe it was due to the carelessness and rush of Dr. X that caused it to happen this time. Luckily a few days later the bleeding and the cramping subsided and our embryos were safely growing in a petri dish.
Because it is so difficult to transfer due to my cervix being positioned the way it is (Dr. X had use a tenaculum the last transfer which is a little less than a torture device) my RE and I decided it would be best to use anesthesia for the transfer to make it go smoothly for both parties involved. It is fairly uncommon for women to be put under for the transfer but if I have learned nothing from this journey I have learned I am not like other women and for me, being put under was perfect. In and out in less than 15 minutes with 2 grade 1 hatching blast snuggling up in my fluffy lining (Go team twins!). I also received on-site acupuncture directly before and after the transfer which was amazing. I didn't even have to move.
We headed home about an hour and a half after the transfer. On the way back, I was resting and snacking on pinapple and pomegranate juice (two foods I heard that help with implantation. I have no idea if it is true, but figured it couldn't hurt anything). Later in the drive HB pointed out that he saw a deer on the hills on the side of the highway. Not an unusual site, however, this particular deer was strolling around with her two fawns. I think it was a sign, I have a good feeling about this cycle.
Wednesday, June 17, 2015
This is the story of girl.......
Hi there,
I am coming into this blogging thing a little late in the game as I am already 2 days into the ridiculously stressful, want to pull your hair out, driving everyone around me crazy, spending too much money on home pregnancy tests (HPT) two week wait.
I never thought in a million years that when I grew up, my favorite past time would be urinating on a small instrument that would so greatly affect my life, but here we are. I take that back, its not my favorite past time, but its something I do compulsively. My biggest hopes and dreams lie within the result of that small piece of plastic and I have realized throughout my IVF journey that I love nothing more than to torture myself by using them. I am a masochist.
So I will take you along on my journey and hopefully when you read this you: a) don't completely judge me for my lack of self control; b) realize that I use humor/sarcasm/inappropriateness to deal with the bullshit that is infertility; and c)....and this is the most important one, don't feel alone. The worst part about going through this is not having someone to talk to who truly knows what if feels like. My friends are all fabulous and talk with me endlessly about it but they never know the right thing to say; because there is no right thing to say and unless you have gone through this yourself, you don't get that.
My mom's nurturing instinct always kicks in and she says, "don't worry, it is going to happen, you will have a baby". She is doing and saying what she truly believes and I love her for that but instead sometimes all you want to hear is, "That fucking sucks!" (which I don't believe can physically come out of her mouth).
With that being said, I do have to mention that I am not as dark, scary or pessimistic as I appear to me in the above paragraphs, I am very hopeful and cautiously optimistic that one day my lifelong dream of being a mother will come true. Despite the tears I shed almost daily (shout out to my husband [HB] for dealing with such a hot mess) I am a strong women who has the determination to make my dreams come true. One day I will hold our baby in my arms.
I am coming into this blogging thing a little late in the game as I am already 2 days into the ridiculously stressful, want to pull your hair out, driving everyone around me crazy, spending too much money on home pregnancy tests (HPT) two week wait.
I never thought in a million years that when I grew up, my favorite past time would be urinating on a small instrument that would so greatly affect my life, but here we are. I take that back, its not my favorite past time, but its something I do compulsively. My biggest hopes and dreams lie within the result of that small piece of plastic and I have realized throughout my IVF journey that I love nothing more than to torture myself by using them. I am a masochist.
So I will take you along on my journey and hopefully when you read this you: a) don't completely judge me for my lack of self control; b) realize that I use humor/sarcasm/inappropriateness to deal with the bullshit that is infertility; and c)....and this is the most important one, don't feel alone. The worst part about going through this is not having someone to talk to who truly knows what if feels like. My friends are all fabulous and talk with me endlessly about it but they never know the right thing to say; because there is no right thing to say and unless you have gone through this yourself, you don't get that.
My mom's nurturing instinct always kicks in and she says, "don't worry, it is going to happen, you will have a baby". She is doing and saying what she truly believes and I love her for that but instead sometimes all you want to hear is, "That fucking sucks!" (which I don't believe can physically come out of her mouth).
With that being said, I do have to mention that I am not as dark, scary or pessimistic as I appear to me in the above paragraphs, I am very hopeful and cautiously optimistic that one day my lifelong dream of being a mother will come true. Despite the tears I shed almost daily (shout out to my husband [HB] for dealing with such a hot mess) I am a strong women who has the determination to make my dreams come true. One day I will hold our baby in my arms.
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