Ultrasound 2

On Wednesday, 22dp5dt, 5w6d, HB and I went in to see Dr. S and have our second ultrasound. I was so nervous, I was practically shaking the entire morning. I managed to get through a couple hours of work and go to my appointment. In comes Dr. S, in goes the wand........and silence. Of course we were taken to the ultrasound room where the viewing monitor is broken so I had no idea what Dr. S was seeing. He's not an easy man to read either so I had no idea what was going on.

Well it turns out he saw one sac, one yolk sac and one fluttering heartbeat!! I was so relieved and thrilled. Dr. S was happy to see the heartbeat so early and I could finally breathe again. I think HB was uber relieved that there was only one sac, I don't think he was really ready for the idea of two babies at once, even though I was loved the idea. Dr. S wants to see us again in a couple of weeks as there is nothing else to do but wait and see if the embryo develops properly.

But as quickly as my anxiousness turned to relief it turned back to anxiousness again. I feel like I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop and for the next ultrasound to reveal another missed miscarriage. That this couldn't possibly be real and I couldn't possible be pregnant. I just need to maintain and get through this first trimester and then maybe I can breathe again. If my boobs don't hurt for just one moment out of the day when I jab them,  I automatically assume that means my hcg levels are decreasing and another loss is inevitable.

I think the way that I am feeling is normal given what I have been through. I am protecting myself, I am always on the defense. I am incredibly tired of the few people who do know we are pregnant telling me to enjoy the good news and not let myself worry about it. How dare they? I am entitled to my feelings and if this is the way I want to get through this stressful time, then so be it. I am so glad we only told a fraction of the people we did last time at this stage. At this point I don't want people asking me about it, I don't want to feel obligated to give appointment highlights to everyone, I just need to maintain and get through the next six weeks. Pardon the Debbie Downer rant.

With all that being said, I am trying to keep as neutral as possible and not getting myself too worked up. I just bought a new guided meditation by Circle + Bloom which focuses on the early pregnancy so hopefully that will help.

But for now I am pregnant. There is a little baby growing inside me each day and it is my ultimate dream that I get to meet him or her someday.