And so it begins......
It is only 4dp3dt and I have already tested 4 times. I tried to lie to myself and say that this time I would not test during the two week wait. Yeah....I tried real hard. Who was I kidding? I held out all of to days.
Needless to say the tests are negative. Well actually they are coming out with a faint line which is absolutely the trigger...I am waiting to test out the trigger so the real fun can begin.
This is the first time I have had a three day transfer. The two week wake is hard enough as it is......the wait until your beta is mostly unbearable. However, the cruel trick of a three day transfer is you have to wait even longer to get that positive (or negative, whichever the case may be). The next week is going to be rough.
I got a call from the embryologist from my clinic today. She mentioned that while the last embryo that we were waiting on didn't make it to biopsy or freeze, it did exceed their expectation and made it to an early blast on day 6. She went on to say (in a cheery voice) that that information might bode well for the embryos that we transferred.....that they are probably strong. That was really nice to hear. Encouragement is always welcomed, especially from my clinic.
As a side note, I wanted to mention I have noticed my blog posts have changed since I first started this journey. My thoughts and posts now are disjointed and I apologize for that. I guess my mind is a bit different than the last time as I am working full time, coming home to a sweet toddler and then trying to squeeze in some time to write down how I am feeling during this process down here. So please bare with me and my scattered thoughts.
So let's get down to symptoms. Real or imagined, these are the symptoms I have been noticing:
3dp3dt
-Hot flashes in the middle of the night
-Slight, light cramping of the left side (I think)
-One or two pinches down in my ladies parts (can't really tell if it was my uterus or cervix)
4dp3dt
-At least 3 or 4 lightening bolts (zings) down in my cervix and uterus (similar to what I can recall experiencing the last time I was pregnant).
-Tired (however, that can be attributed to the fact that I woke up to 3:00am and didn't really go back to sleep.
As mentioned above. These could all just be made up. I don't what to think. I wish I could fast forward the next few days.
This has to work.
Tuesday, July 25, 2017
Sunday, July 23, 2017
Recap & 2dp3dt
RECAP SINCE LAST POST:
Unfortunately the last embryo we had (the one from 2015) was no good. I was able to have Natera test it up front with the expectation they would test embryos from our next cycle as well in a process they used to call batching. It was great they were willing to test this one ahead of time because it took the guess work out of what steps we should take next (i.e. FET or fresh cycle). So, long story short, we found out the little guy we had frozen was no bueno - not chromosomally sound. This news was hard to take, but luckily for me I have become a bit numb to these types of things so I was able to pull my head up and start making plans for the next cycle of IVF.....#4 to be exact.
Since the beginning of the year I have done two cleanses and have been doing my best to be as healthy as possible. Gluten-free, dairy-free, no sugar (ish), no alcohol (ish), no caffeine. So hopefully this next round will be successful. I feel as though I have been doing everything on my end to help the process to hopefully grow really healthy follicles. Likely this will be my last cycle and I wanted to make sure I did everything in my power to help the outcome......if that kind of stuff really even does help. I have also be walking more and trying to get myself moving.
I started at the beginning of July: trips to SF, injections, stress......its amazing how quickly all of that stuff comes back to you. Just like that I was taken back to 2015.....IVF is kind like riding a bike. Only now, instead of just worrying about myself I am chasing around the Coconut, worrying about how I will do my injections with her running around, ensuring I have child care for the roundtrips for monitoring appointments and trying to spend time with my family (which includes my 12 step-daughter who has no idea this is going on, and likely wouldn't be too stoked on the idea of yet another sibling - her mom and I were pregnant at the same time and ended up giving birth within 5 fives of each other).
We three previous cycles under my belt I had readjusted my expectations of how I would respond to the stims. Like all of the cycles before I went 15 days of stims. Much longer than the average infertile (lucky me) - but that ok. Like I said - expectation were adjusted. It was looking like there were about 7-8 follicles that would grown to the right size. This is less then previous cycles, but still decent as far as I was concerned. I went in the ER fairly confident things were going to go well, only to find out they were only about to retrieve 5. A lousy 5. Just when I think I know what to expect, life changes it up for me. What's worst is that only 2 fertilized properly!!! I was spoiled in my previous cycle to have 100% fertilization rate so I was floor to see that only have fertilized. From there, it wasn't looking good.....so my RE recommended we do a day 3 transfer if either of the embryos made it. So I anxiously waited for a call from the lab on day three and was luckily surprised to find out that both are graded 1 (the best) - one was six cells , one was 8. It was go time.
I drove up to SF, was put under anesthesia. This was the second time we did this for a transfer. The first time was the Coconut's transfer. I think it is the best choice given the complexity of how transfers have gone for me in the past. Easy for me, easy for the doctor to navigate through my completely messed up insides. I woke up and was told everything went great. In face, by the time they transferred the embryos, the 6-cell had turned into 8! I had on-site acupuncture both before and after the procedure right in the same bed the transfer happened. I didn't have to move, which I liked. I know its absolutely crazy but I don't want the embryos slipping out or anything :).
So now here we are 2dp3dt. I tried to say that I wasn't going to obsessively POAS but then I found myself at the Dollar Tree today purchasing 20 test....oops. I plan on testing out the trigger and then seeing what happens. What's hard about a day three transfer is that you have to wait even LONGER to get a positive result......so not fair. But then again, when has anything been "fair" in this process?
I don't think I feel any symptoms, which I think is about right at this point. However, I did feel a quick sharp-ish cramp/pain down around my cervix and I don't know if I am making it up in my head or not but it feels like I am starting to get alittle crampy....even a small amount of right leg cramps. Its probs all in my head....lets be real.
I don't know what I think just yet. I don't know if I think I am going to become pregnant from this cycle or not. What I do know at this point is that it is going to be a really long two weeks.
Unfortunately the last embryo we had (the one from 2015) was no good. I was able to have Natera test it up front with the expectation they would test embryos from our next cycle as well in a process they used to call batching. It was great they were willing to test this one ahead of time because it took the guess work out of what steps we should take next (i.e. FET or fresh cycle). So, long story short, we found out the little guy we had frozen was no bueno - not chromosomally sound. This news was hard to take, but luckily for me I have become a bit numb to these types of things so I was able to pull my head up and start making plans for the next cycle of IVF.....#4 to be exact.
Since the beginning of the year I have done two cleanses and have been doing my best to be as healthy as possible. Gluten-free, dairy-free, no sugar (ish), no alcohol (ish), no caffeine. So hopefully this next round will be successful. I feel as though I have been doing everything on my end to help the process to hopefully grow really healthy follicles. Likely this will be my last cycle and I wanted to make sure I did everything in my power to help the outcome......if that kind of stuff really even does help. I have also be walking more and trying to get myself moving.
I started at the beginning of July: trips to SF, injections, stress......its amazing how quickly all of that stuff comes back to you. Just like that I was taken back to 2015.....IVF is kind like riding a bike. Only now, instead of just worrying about myself I am chasing around the Coconut, worrying about how I will do my injections with her running around, ensuring I have child care for the roundtrips for monitoring appointments and trying to spend time with my family (which includes my 12 step-daughter who has no idea this is going on, and likely wouldn't be too stoked on the idea of yet another sibling - her mom and I were pregnant at the same time and ended up giving birth within 5 fives of each other).
We three previous cycles under my belt I had readjusted my expectations of how I would respond to the stims. Like all of the cycles before I went 15 days of stims. Much longer than the average infertile (lucky me) - but that ok. Like I said - expectation were adjusted. It was looking like there were about 7-8 follicles that would grown to the right size. This is less then previous cycles, but still decent as far as I was concerned. I went in the ER fairly confident things were going to go well, only to find out they were only about to retrieve 5. A lousy 5. Just when I think I know what to expect, life changes it up for me. What's worst is that only 2 fertilized properly!!! I was spoiled in my previous cycle to have 100% fertilization rate so I was floor to see that only have fertilized. From there, it wasn't looking good.....so my RE recommended we do a day 3 transfer if either of the embryos made it. So I anxiously waited for a call from the lab on day three and was luckily surprised to find out that both are graded 1 (the best) - one was six cells , one was 8. It was go time.
I drove up to SF, was put under anesthesia. This was the second time we did this for a transfer. The first time was the Coconut's transfer. I think it is the best choice given the complexity of how transfers have gone for me in the past. Easy for me, easy for the doctor to navigate through my completely messed up insides. I woke up and was told everything went great. In face, by the time they transferred the embryos, the 6-cell had turned into 8! I had on-site acupuncture both before and after the procedure right in the same bed the transfer happened. I didn't have to move, which I liked. I know its absolutely crazy but I don't want the embryos slipping out or anything :).
So now here we are 2dp3dt. I tried to say that I wasn't going to obsessively POAS but then I found myself at the Dollar Tree today purchasing 20 test....oops. I plan on testing out the trigger and then seeing what happens. What's hard about a day three transfer is that you have to wait even LONGER to get a positive result......so not fair. But then again, when has anything been "fair" in this process?
I don't think I feel any symptoms, which I think is about right at this point. However, I did feel a quick sharp-ish cramp/pain down around my cervix and I don't know if I am making it up in my head or not but it feels like I am starting to get alittle crampy....even a small amount of right leg cramps. Its probs all in my head....lets be real.
I don't know what I think just yet. I don't know if I think I am going to become pregnant from this cycle or not. What I do know at this point is that it is going to be a really long two weeks.
Tuesday, April 4, 2017
Big week
This week is big. We worked out a deal with the company that screens our embryos for chromosomal abnormalities to run the test for our one frozen embryo from 2015 now instead of waiting and batching it with our next fresh round of IVF in June. Without sounding too much like the d-bag Donald Trump.....THIS IS HUGE!! This means that instead of waiting and potentially spending thousands upon thousands of dollars on a fresh cycle of IVF we may just be able to do a FET, if the results come back chromosomally sound of course, and get pregnant with that! That means no more injections, round trips to San Francisco, stress about travel, stress about follicle growth, stress about the retrieval. This could be the most amazing thing ever.......Or it could not be.
In a few short days we will find out the fate of our little embryo, that is technically two years old. For two years, I have been hoping and counting on the fact that this embryo could get me pregnant and by next week we will finally know. It's a surreal and scary feeling, as my doctor doesn't give this embryo the best odds.
We have to take the following into consideration: 1) an embryo from a women my age (29 at the time of retrieval) has a 70% chance of resulting in a pregnancy (my odds maybe even a little less as I have been told I have "old" eggs); 2) because my embryo is a day 7 hatching blast (grade 2) that lowers the odds as day 7 embryos take longer to get to the right spot to freeze at, indicating there maybe something wrong with it (-20%), so now we are at 50%, not terrible, but we're not done yet; 3) since this embryo hasn't been chromosomally tested it brings the odds down again (-20%), so now we are at 30%.
Only a 30% chance of this embryo working may not seem like good odds, but at this point I am doing everything in my power to have positive thoughts. I didn't get to where I am today but laying down and accepting shitty odds or outcomes, so I have to believe if I keep up the same mentality then maybe good things will happen. We have to get past this hurdle, this embryo has to be good. Haven't we experienced enough bad news on this journey? Don't get me wrong, the Coconut is the absolute best thing that has ever happened to us, but she came following years of heartache and stress. Wouldn't it be amazing if this time around we were able to get pregnant without having to go down the most intense route? Don't we deserve that?
I believe this can happen. I will forever be an optimist, a hopeless romantic and I will continue to refuse that the hardest way is always going to be the hand I am dealt. So for now I am dreaming of our little embryo, tucked away and waiting for its shot. I will send all of my positive energy it's way.
Until we find out......
In a few short days we will find out the fate of our little embryo, that is technically two years old. For two years, I have been hoping and counting on the fact that this embryo could get me pregnant and by next week we will finally know. It's a surreal and scary feeling, as my doctor doesn't give this embryo the best odds.
We have to take the following into consideration: 1) an embryo from a women my age (29 at the time of retrieval) has a 70% chance of resulting in a pregnancy (my odds maybe even a little less as I have been told I have "old" eggs); 2) because my embryo is a day 7 hatching blast (grade 2) that lowers the odds as day 7 embryos take longer to get to the right spot to freeze at, indicating there maybe something wrong with it (-20%), so now we are at 50%, not terrible, but we're not done yet; 3) since this embryo hasn't been chromosomally tested it brings the odds down again (-20%), so now we are at 30%.
Only a 30% chance of this embryo working may not seem like good odds, but at this point I am doing everything in my power to have positive thoughts. I didn't get to where I am today but laying down and accepting shitty odds or outcomes, so I have to believe if I keep up the same mentality then maybe good things will happen. We have to get past this hurdle, this embryo has to be good. Haven't we experienced enough bad news on this journey? Don't get me wrong, the Coconut is the absolute best thing that has ever happened to us, but she came following years of heartache and stress. Wouldn't it be amazing if this time around we were able to get pregnant without having to go down the most intense route? Don't we deserve that?
I believe this can happen. I will forever be an optimist, a hopeless romantic and I will continue to refuse that the hardest way is always going to be the hand I am dealt. So for now I am dreaming of our little embryo, tucked away and waiting for its shot. I will send all of my positive energy it's way.
Until we find out......
Sunday, March 26, 2017
Realization
Now that HB and I are on the same page and are moving forward with another round of IVF, I am finding myself in a place that I haven't been in a while......nervous. Now that I have gotten past the unexpected and heartbreaking hurdle of semi-convincing my husband to have another child with me (or at least try), I have realized that now I am faced with the even scarier prospect of not being able to get pregnant again through this next (and final) round of IVF. This is it. I promised HB that this the last try, but what if it doesn't work? What do I do then? I am so incredibly lucky to have to Coconut, having another child would be an incredible bonus, however, I am realizing more and more now that it is a bonus that I need. There is a lot riding on this one round of IVF. It took us three rounds to get the Coconut. Will I be lucky enough to have it work two cycles in a row?
It's becoming more and more real now as I am scheduling appointments at my clinic. I think about the prospect of holding another sweet baby in my arms and it is something I imagine that will weigh heavily on me until I either a) become pregnant or b) exhaust all of the embryos of this next cycle (and the one we currently have on ice). This is something I will have to work on throughout this process. I will need to work through the anxiety and the stress and somehow learn to accept whatever happens, will happen and just do the best I can along the way. This will not come easily but I am starting this practice of acceptance now. I need to be prepared for the worst, and will always continue to hope for the best.
It's becoming more and more real now as I am scheduling appointments at my clinic. I think about the prospect of holding another sweet baby in my arms and it is something I imagine that will weigh heavily on me until I either a) become pregnant or b) exhaust all of the embryos of this next cycle (and the one we currently have on ice). This is something I will have to work on throughout this process. I will need to work through the anxiety and the stress and somehow learn to accept whatever happens, will happen and just do the best I can along the way. This will not come easily but I am starting this practice of acceptance now. I need to be prepared for the worst, and will always continue to hope for the best.
Friday, March 17, 2017
Im Baaaacckkkkkkk!!!
One of the things I hate the most about the blogs I spend hours searching on the internet is the lack of follow-up. All these women who document their thoughts, concerns, stories, and then.........they fall off the face of the planet.
I can't even count the number of times I have read through the endless pages of babycenter.com community after looking up the key words: 3dp5dt, hpt, test, low beta, shadow, faint line, positive to find there is another person in this world who has experienced the same insecurity, fear, and potential happy ending that I am currently experiencing only to find no happy ending. There is no ending at all for that matter. All the hours I spent reading and identifying and waiting to see those fabulous end results, just to be disappointed when there is silence at the end of the thread. It's the most frustrating thing on the planet and I am guilty of it here.
It has been nearly two years since I have written in this blog. The reality of it is, me abruptly halting my posts probably hasn't affected anyone. I know there really isn't anyone who reads this, but I still feel like I have to explain, even if this is only reaching one person, because maybe some part of what I write down will help someone get through a super hard day in her journey/struggle with infertility and I don't want to be that person that lets her down because of my lack of follow-up.
I guess the reason I stopped was because I didn't want to jinx my pregnancy. I was worried that if I put too much pressure on myself to write everyday and invested too much time in documenting everything in my journey, the world would somehow punish me and it would all go away again, like it did before. Crazy I know, but me none the less.
So here it is. I am not going to go into great historical detail because it would take forever to recount the events that have happened in the past two years but I am starting this blog again with the intention of keeping it going throughout the next chapter of my story, because I think it's an important story to share, even if its only something my daughter reads, decades from now.
That's right....I have a daughter! My pregnancy was successful and I gave birth to a little girl on 02/25/2016. She was, and continues to be amaze me and truly embodies all of the dreams I have had since I realized I wanted to be a mother. We call her Coconut (which she responds to) and each day she amazes me with her personality, her snuggles and her love.
I am a different person now, overcoming infertility is an amazing and empowering thing. I am exhausted 99% of the time, I can't remember what day of the week it is, or where I left my keys, but I have a strength in me I never knew I had. I went through one of the biggest challenges in my life and I kicked its ass. Silly as it may sound, I feel like I can do anything. When I put my mind to it and work hard (and have brilliant doctors in my corner, in this case) I can achieve anything. The Coconut is living proof of that.
More to come :)
I can't even count the number of times I have read through the endless pages of babycenter.com community after looking up the key words: 3dp5dt, hpt, test, low beta, shadow, faint line, positive to find there is another person in this world who has experienced the same insecurity, fear, and potential happy ending that I am currently experiencing only to find no happy ending. There is no ending at all for that matter. All the hours I spent reading and identifying and waiting to see those fabulous end results, just to be disappointed when there is silence at the end of the thread. It's the most frustrating thing on the planet and I am guilty of it here.
It has been nearly two years since I have written in this blog. The reality of it is, me abruptly halting my posts probably hasn't affected anyone. I know there really isn't anyone who reads this, but I still feel like I have to explain, even if this is only reaching one person, because maybe some part of what I write down will help someone get through a super hard day in her journey/struggle with infertility and I don't want to be that person that lets her down because of my lack of follow-up.
I guess the reason I stopped was because I didn't want to jinx my pregnancy. I was worried that if I put too much pressure on myself to write everyday and invested too much time in documenting everything in my journey, the world would somehow punish me and it would all go away again, like it did before. Crazy I know, but me none the less.
So here it is. I am not going to go into great historical detail because it would take forever to recount the events that have happened in the past two years but I am starting this blog again with the intention of keeping it going throughout the next chapter of my story, because I think it's an important story to share, even if its only something my daughter reads, decades from now.
That's right....I have a daughter! My pregnancy was successful and I gave birth to a little girl on 02/25/2016. She was, and continues to be amaze me and truly embodies all of the dreams I have had since I realized I wanted to be a mother. We call her Coconut (which she responds to) and each day she amazes me with her personality, her snuggles and her love.
I am a different person now, overcoming infertility is an amazing and empowering thing. I am exhausted 99% of the time, I can't remember what day of the week it is, or where I left my keys, but I have a strength in me I never knew I had. I went through one of the biggest challenges in my life and I kicked its ass. Silly as it may sound, I feel like I can do anything. When I put my mind to it and work hard (and have brilliant doctors in my corner, in this case) I can achieve anything. The Coconut is living proof of that.
More to come :)
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