Now that HB and I are on the same page and are moving forward with another round of IVF, I am finding myself in a place that I haven't been in a while......nervous. Now that I have gotten past the unexpected and heartbreaking hurdle of semi-convincing my husband to have another child with me (or at least try), I have realized that now I am faced with the even scarier prospect of not being able to get pregnant again through this next (and final) round of IVF. This is it. I promised HB that this the last try, but what if it doesn't work? What do I do then? I am so incredibly lucky to have to Coconut, having another child would be an incredible bonus, however, I am realizing more and more now that it is a bonus that I need. There is a lot riding on this one round of IVF. It took us three rounds to get the Coconut. Will I be lucky enough to have it work two cycles in a row?
It's becoming more and more real now as I am scheduling appointments at my clinic. I think about the prospect of holding another sweet baby in my arms and it is something I imagine that will weigh heavily on me until I either a) become pregnant or b) exhaust all of the embryos of this next cycle (and the one we currently have on ice). This is something I will have to work on throughout this process. I will need to work through the anxiety and the stress and somehow learn to accept whatever happens, will happen and just do the best I can along the way. This will not come easily but I am starting this practice of acceptance now. I need to be prepared for the worst, and will always continue to hope for the best.
Sunday, March 26, 2017
Friday, March 17, 2017
Im Baaaacckkkkkkk!!!
One of the things I hate the most about the blogs I spend hours searching on the internet is the lack of follow-up. All these women who document their thoughts, concerns, stories, and then.........they fall off the face of the planet.
I can't even count the number of times I have read through the endless pages of babycenter.com community after looking up the key words: 3dp5dt, hpt, test, low beta, shadow, faint line, positive to find there is another person in this world who has experienced the same insecurity, fear, and potential happy ending that I am currently experiencing only to find no happy ending. There is no ending at all for that matter. All the hours I spent reading and identifying and waiting to see those fabulous end results, just to be disappointed when there is silence at the end of the thread. It's the most frustrating thing on the planet and I am guilty of it here.
It has been nearly two years since I have written in this blog. The reality of it is, me abruptly halting my posts probably hasn't affected anyone. I know there really isn't anyone who reads this, but I still feel like I have to explain, even if this is only reaching one person, because maybe some part of what I write down will help someone get through a super hard day in her journey/struggle with infertility and I don't want to be that person that lets her down because of my lack of follow-up.
I guess the reason I stopped was because I didn't want to jinx my pregnancy. I was worried that if I put too much pressure on myself to write everyday and invested too much time in documenting everything in my journey, the world would somehow punish me and it would all go away again, like it did before. Crazy I know, but me none the less.
So here it is. I am not going to go into great historical detail because it would take forever to recount the events that have happened in the past two years but I am starting this blog again with the intention of keeping it going throughout the next chapter of my story, because I think it's an important story to share, even if its only something my daughter reads, decades from now.
That's right....I have a daughter! My pregnancy was successful and I gave birth to a little girl on 02/25/2016. She was, and continues to be amaze me and truly embodies all of the dreams I have had since I realized I wanted to be a mother. We call her Coconut (which she responds to) and each day she amazes me with her personality, her snuggles and her love.
I am a different person now, overcoming infertility is an amazing and empowering thing. I am exhausted 99% of the time, I can't remember what day of the week it is, or where I left my keys, but I have a strength in me I never knew I had. I went through one of the biggest challenges in my life and I kicked its ass. Silly as it may sound, I feel like I can do anything. When I put my mind to it and work hard (and have brilliant doctors in my corner, in this case) I can achieve anything. The Coconut is living proof of that.
More to come :)
I can't even count the number of times I have read through the endless pages of babycenter.com community after looking up the key words: 3dp5dt, hpt, test, low beta, shadow, faint line, positive to find there is another person in this world who has experienced the same insecurity, fear, and potential happy ending that I am currently experiencing only to find no happy ending. There is no ending at all for that matter. All the hours I spent reading and identifying and waiting to see those fabulous end results, just to be disappointed when there is silence at the end of the thread. It's the most frustrating thing on the planet and I am guilty of it here.
It has been nearly two years since I have written in this blog. The reality of it is, me abruptly halting my posts probably hasn't affected anyone. I know there really isn't anyone who reads this, but I still feel like I have to explain, even if this is only reaching one person, because maybe some part of what I write down will help someone get through a super hard day in her journey/struggle with infertility and I don't want to be that person that lets her down because of my lack of follow-up.
I guess the reason I stopped was because I didn't want to jinx my pregnancy. I was worried that if I put too much pressure on myself to write everyday and invested too much time in documenting everything in my journey, the world would somehow punish me and it would all go away again, like it did before. Crazy I know, but me none the less.
So here it is. I am not going to go into great historical detail because it would take forever to recount the events that have happened in the past two years but I am starting this blog again with the intention of keeping it going throughout the next chapter of my story, because I think it's an important story to share, even if its only something my daughter reads, decades from now.
That's right....I have a daughter! My pregnancy was successful and I gave birth to a little girl on 02/25/2016. She was, and continues to be amaze me and truly embodies all of the dreams I have had since I realized I wanted to be a mother. We call her Coconut (which she responds to) and each day she amazes me with her personality, her snuggles and her love.
I am a different person now, overcoming infertility is an amazing and empowering thing. I am exhausted 99% of the time, I can't remember what day of the week it is, or where I left my keys, but I have a strength in me I never knew I had. I went through one of the biggest challenges in my life and I kicked its ass. Silly as it may sound, I feel like I can do anything. When I put my mind to it and work hard (and have brilliant doctors in my corner, in this case) I can achieve anything. The Coconut is living proof of that.
More to come :)
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