I haven't been writing a lot lately......I know that. I am scared that if I write that I am happy and that everything is going well then something will inevitably go wrong. So I sit here and think that if I continuously and on the defense, then nothing bad can actually happen. Its crazypants I know......but that's me.
For the past week and a half I have been incredibly nauseous. I haven't thrown up but I am always in a constant state of queasiness. I know this is a good thing so I am grateful for it but its alittle annoying too. I have lost like 3 or 4 pounds....I hope Peanut is doing ok.
So my boss started calling the baby Peanut and now that is what I call him/her too. I think it's precious, and since we officially know its not twins, I felt it was appropriate to change on the name.
So Peanut it is.
Yesterday, at 7w6d we had an appointment with Dr. S for an ultrasound. I am grateful because I think he lets me come in to see the baby just so I don't go crazy. Typically, I don't think he has women come in until week 10 so the fact that he has allowed me to see Peanut three times is amazing to me. It was a belly ultrasound this time. I was ready for the wand but he said there was no need. You would think that I would be relieved that I wasn't going to have a wand shoved up my lady parts but the last time I had a belly ultrasound was at my 10 week appointment last year when we found out the baby had died. PTSD set in, but I managed to compose myself. As Dr. S placed the ultrasound on my stomach a nurse came in to ask him a questions. So here I am searching frantically for any sign of life and I can barely see anything but a sac.......Internally I was screaming....but then.....finally......as Dr. S was still talking to the nurse I yelled out, "there is a heartbeat!!". Dr. S nonchalantly agreed, as if he wasn't concerned at all. Sweet relief. We got to take a video of the heartbeat and I watch it all the time. I really hope Peanut is in it for the long haul.
Thursday, July 23, 2015
Saturday, July 11, 2015
Ultrasound 2
On Wednesday, 22dp5dt, 5w6d, HB and I went in to see Dr. S and have our second ultrasound. I was so nervous, I was practically shaking the entire morning. I managed to get through a couple hours of work and go to my appointment. In comes Dr. S, in goes the wand........and silence. Of course we were taken to the ultrasound room where the viewing monitor is broken so I had no idea what Dr. S was seeing. He's not an easy man to read either so I had no idea what was going on.
Well it turns out he saw one sac, one yolk sac and one fluttering heartbeat!! I was so relieved and thrilled. Dr. S was happy to see the heartbeat so early and I could finally breathe again. I think HB was uber relieved that there was only one sac, I don't think he was really ready for the idea of two babies at once, even though I was loved the idea. Dr. S wants to see us again in a couple of weeks as there is nothing else to do but wait and see if the embryo develops properly.
But as quickly as my anxiousness turned to relief it turned back to anxiousness again. I feel like I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop and for the next ultrasound to reveal another missed miscarriage. That this couldn't possibly be real and I couldn't possible be pregnant. I just need to maintain and get through this first trimester and then maybe I can breathe again. If my boobs don't hurt for just one moment out of the day when I jab them, I automatically assume that means my hcg levels are decreasing and another loss is inevitable.
I think the way that I am feeling is normal given what I have been through. I am protecting myself, I am always on the defense. I am incredibly tired of the few people who do know we are pregnant telling me to enjoy the good news and not let myself worry about it. How dare they? I am entitled to my feelings and if this is the way I want to get through this stressful time, then so be it. I am so glad we only told a fraction of the people we did last time at this stage. At this point I don't want people asking me about it, I don't want to feel obligated to give appointment highlights to everyone, I just need to maintain and get through the next six weeks. Pardon the Debbie Downer rant.
With all that being said, I am trying to keep as neutral as possible and not getting myself too worked up. I just bought a new guided meditation by Circle + Bloom which focuses on the early pregnancy so hopefully that will help.
But for now I am pregnant. There is a little baby growing inside me each day and it is my ultimate dream that I get to meet him or her someday.
Well it turns out he saw one sac, one yolk sac and one fluttering heartbeat!! I was so relieved and thrilled. Dr. S was happy to see the heartbeat so early and I could finally breathe again. I think HB was uber relieved that there was only one sac, I don't think he was really ready for the idea of two babies at once, even though I was loved the idea. Dr. S wants to see us again in a couple of weeks as there is nothing else to do but wait and see if the embryo develops properly.
But as quickly as my anxiousness turned to relief it turned back to anxiousness again. I feel like I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop and for the next ultrasound to reveal another missed miscarriage. That this couldn't possibly be real and I couldn't possible be pregnant. I just need to maintain and get through this first trimester and then maybe I can breathe again. If my boobs don't hurt for just one moment out of the day when I jab them, I automatically assume that means my hcg levels are decreasing and another loss is inevitable.
I think the way that I am feeling is normal given what I have been through. I am protecting myself, I am always on the defense. I am incredibly tired of the few people who do know we are pregnant telling me to enjoy the good news and not let myself worry about it. How dare they? I am entitled to my feelings and if this is the way I want to get through this stressful time, then so be it. I am so glad we only told a fraction of the people we did last time at this stage. At this point I don't want people asking me about it, I don't want to feel obligated to give appointment highlights to everyone, I just need to maintain and get through the next six weeks. Pardon the Debbie Downer rant.
With all that being said, I am trying to keep as neutral as possible and not getting myself too worked up. I just bought a new guided meditation by Circle + Bloom which focuses on the early pregnancy so hopefully that will help.
But for now I am pregnant. There is a little baby growing inside me each day and it is my ultimate dream that I get to meet him or her someday.
Saturday, July 4, 2015
The Data Speaks for Itself
I am a data girl. I like to look at the facts and determine what my odds are. As you can see from the table below, my hcg levels not only exceed the average levels for a single baby but also exceed the average numbers for twins! I cannot believe I am finally getting some stolid good news. This either means we have two babies in there or one kick-ass, super baby......I'll happily take either.
Beta #
|
Date
|
Days Past 5 Day Transfer
|
Days Past Ovulation
|
Time Pregnant
|
Time Blood Drawn
|
Time Between Tests
|
Doubling Time
|
My Beta
|
BetaBase Average for Single
|
BetaBase Average for Twins
|
1
|
6/25/15
|
9
|
14
|
4w0d
|
7am
|
N/A
|
N/A
|
125
|
129
|
237
|
2
|
6/27/15
|
11
|
16
|
4w2d
|
7am
|
48
|
31.96
|
354
|
280
|
547
|
3
|
6/29/15
|
13
|
18
|
4w4d
|
5pm
|
58
|
32.15
|
1236
|
582
|
1144
|
4
|
7/1/15
|
15
|
20
|
4w6d
|
12pm
|
43
|
34.17
|
2957
|
1202
|
2320
|
5
|
7/3/15
|
17
|
22
|
5w1d
|
11am
|
47
|
50.54
|
5634
|
2321
|
4695
|
I don't know how I forgot to mention the significance of the ultrasound I had a couple or days ago, but I did. The day I went in to see Dr. S was exactly one year to the day that we went into see him and found out we lost our first baby. I was kind of hesitant to go in on the 1 year anniversary of such a traumatic event in my life but did it anyway. Luckily this time we didn't get awful news which I am so relieved about. I just hope things continue on such a good path.
It's hard to allow myself to let my guard down and actually enjoy the small victories, this is something I really need to work on or else this is going to be a very long nine months. Each time I get a piece of good news I immediately move my worry on to the next milestone I need to conquer. I think its understandable to feel the way I do after going through what I have been through but I need to try to enjoy what I have when I have it. Rather than be miserable the entire time. Like I mentioned before, if I continue this is will be an extremely long nine months.
I'll be sure to work on that.
Symptoms: I still don't have much in the way of symptoms but here is what I have noticed so far, real or imaginary: slightly sore boobs/nipples (firmer as well), wonkie feeling when I stand up (see spots) sometimes, really thirsty, super tired.
Symptoms: I still don't have much in the way of symptoms but here is what I have noticed so far, real or imaginary: slightly sore boobs/nipples (firmer as well), wonkie feeling when I stand up (see spots) sometimes, really thirsty, super tired.
Friday, July 3, 2015
Betas #3-#5
Well, I don't really have an excellent excuse for not writing the past few days except for extreme laziness. I have been SOOOOO tired lately it's ridiculous. Yesterday I came home from work and slept for two and a half hours and still ended up going to be around 9:30. It was crazy. I suppose fatigue is the only symptom I am showing at the moment, although I wish I was having more. I would feel more reassured that way. Luckily, however, my OB/GYN knows me (and my crazy) and has been greatly accommodating to my neurosis and has let me come in for additional betas beyond what my RE ordered. Other that the fatigue I had some minor twinges/pulls in my uterus, a quick spell or two of dizziness and sometimes I convince myself I am nauseous....but I don't know if that is really true.
I called my OB/GYNs medical assistant because I knew she would be really excited as she has been helping me through all of my surgeries, IVF, miscarriages, D&Cs, etc. As I imagined, she was thrilled and said that although it was extremely early Dr. S might be able to see me for an ultrasound. She has me come in that evening for some blood work to check my hcg and progesterone. which was exactly what I was hoping she would do. Watching my beta continue to rise will totally ease my mind. I got my results the next day. My beta rose from 354 to 1236 in 58 hours. That's amazing!!! That number absolutely exceeded my expectation!!!! I feel like we may be in twin territory with those numbers. Side note, progesterone came back at 20.8, which she said was great!
Two days later, at 15dp5dt/20dpo/4w6d I went in for an ultrasound. I can't describe how nervous I was, even though I knew there was a likelihood that we were not going to see much. From the research I have done most people just see empty sacks at this point. I didn't care though, I wanted to see that sack and know that we are on the right track and the baby wasn't growing in my tube or something awful like that. So Dr. S put in the wand.....of course the monitor that I was supposed to look to see what was going on was broken, so we had to sit and wait while Dr. S evaluated the situation and left us nearly dying in suspense. Silence. Then he pulls the wand out and says, "How far along are you supposed to be?" We froze with terror.
For those you who I have told about Dr. S you know that while he is a brilliant OB/GYN and surgeon he is less amazing with his bedside manner and remembering details , ie my name and surgeries (that he performed on me) for example. This is something I am not particularly fond of but have learned to live with over the years as he is the best as what he does, and I know I am in excellent hand while in his care.
I told him that we were only 4w1d and then he seemed to relax. He told me and HB that the ultrasound showed exactly what it should at that point.....a sac with the beginning of a yolk sack in my uterus...not my tube. All good news. Then I asked, did you see one or two? I was hoping to at least find out if we were having twins or not. He said he wasn't sure, but thought one. I am thinking that because he didn't know we transferred two, he didn't spend the time looking around for the second one. I still truly believe there are two in there. But needless to say, I am ecstatic for whatever is growing inside of me, 1 or 2!! Either way we would be extremely grateful.
Dr. S told me that we probably wouldn't see the heartbeat until around 6w2d. Which lands on a Saturday, meaning that I could not come in until that Monday, 11 days later. Well that just wasn't going to work for me so I asked if I could come in next week. He agreed as long as I promise that I wouldn't be disappointed if we didn't see a heartbeat as it would still be pretty early. I promised and we now have a ultrasound scheduled for next week.
They drew my blood again, because I asked them too and it came back at 2957!!!! It more than doubled in less than 48 hours. Everything is right on track. I hope more than anything this continues.
While looking at my post appointment notes online I saw that Dr. S ordered recurring hcg test for every 2 days until 07/31/2015. He didn't tell me to go in but I took this as a sign and did anyways today and just got those results back....5634!! Not quite doubling in 48 hours but very close. I have learned that once your hcg hits around 1200 doubling times slow from 48-72 hours to 72-92 hours. This time doubling time was 50 hours so again, right on track, even better actually!!!
I don't want to get myself too excited but this really feels like it could be it!! Until the ultrasound, I will be keeping everything crossed and trying to keep myself busy to pass the time.
I called my OB/GYNs medical assistant because I knew she would be really excited as she has been helping me through all of my surgeries, IVF, miscarriages, D&Cs, etc. As I imagined, she was thrilled and said that although it was extremely early Dr. S might be able to see me for an ultrasound. She has me come in that evening for some blood work to check my hcg and progesterone. which was exactly what I was hoping she would do. Watching my beta continue to rise will totally ease my mind. I got my results the next day. My beta rose from 354 to 1236 in 58 hours. That's amazing!!! That number absolutely exceeded my expectation!!!! I feel like we may be in twin territory with those numbers. Side note, progesterone came back at 20.8, which she said was great!
Two days later, at 15dp5dt/20dpo/4w6d I went in for an ultrasound. I can't describe how nervous I was, even though I knew there was a likelihood that we were not going to see much. From the research I have done most people just see empty sacks at this point. I didn't care though, I wanted to see that sack and know that we are on the right track and the baby wasn't growing in my tube or something awful like that. So Dr. S put in the wand.....of course the monitor that I was supposed to look to see what was going on was broken, so we had to sit and wait while Dr. S evaluated the situation and left us nearly dying in suspense. Silence. Then he pulls the wand out and says, "How far along are you supposed to be?" We froze with terror.
For those you who I have told about Dr. S you know that while he is a brilliant OB/GYN and surgeon he is less amazing with his bedside manner and remembering details , ie my name and surgeries (that he performed on me) for example. This is something I am not particularly fond of but have learned to live with over the years as he is the best as what he does, and I know I am in excellent hand while in his care.
I told him that we were only 4w1d and then he seemed to relax. He told me and HB that the ultrasound showed exactly what it should at that point.....a sac with the beginning of a yolk sack in my uterus...not my tube. All good news. Then I asked, did you see one or two? I was hoping to at least find out if we were having twins or not. He said he wasn't sure, but thought one. I am thinking that because he didn't know we transferred two, he didn't spend the time looking around for the second one. I still truly believe there are two in there. But needless to say, I am ecstatic for whatever is growing inside of me, 1 or 2!! Either way we would be extremely grateful.
Dr. S told me that we probably wouldn't see the heartbeat until around 6w2d. Which lands on a Saturday, meaning that I could not come in until that Monday, 11 days later. Well that just wasn't going to work for me so I asked if I could come in next week. He agreed as long as I promise that I wouldn't be disappointed if we didn't see a heartbeat as it would still be pretty early. I promised and we now have a ultrasound scheduled for next week.
They drew my blood again, because I asked them too and it came back at 2957!!!! It more than doubled in less than 48 hours. Everything is right on track. I hope more than anything this continues.
While looking at my post appointment notes online I saw that Dr. S ordered recurring hcg test for every 2 days until 07/31/2015. He didn't tell me to go in but I took this as a sign and did anyways today and just got those results back....5634!! Not quite doubling in 48 hours but very close. I have learned that once your hcg hits around 1200 doubling times slow from 48-72 hours to 72-92 hours. This time doubling time was 50 hours so again, right on track, even better actually!!!
I don't want to get myself too excited but this really feels like it could be it!! Until the ultrasound, I will be keeping everything crossed and trying to keep myself busy to pass the time.
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