8w0d

I haven't been writing a lot lately......I know that. I am scared that if I write that I am happy and that everything is going well then something will inevitably go wrong. So I sit here and think that if I continuously and on the defense, then nothing bad can actually happen. Its crazypants I know......but that's me.

For the past week and a half I have been incredibly nauseous. I haven't thrown up but I am always in a constant state of queasiness. I know this is a good thing so I am grateful for it but its alittle annoying too. I have lost like 3 or 4 pounds....I hope Peanut is doing ok.

So my boss started calling the baby Peanut and now that is what I call him/her too. I think it's precious, and since we officially know its not twins, I felt it was appropriate to change on the name.

So Peanut it is.

Yesterday, at 7w6d we had an appointment with Dr. S for an ultrasound. I am grateful because I think he lets me come in to see the baby just so I don't go crazy. Typically, I don't think he has women come in until week 10 so the fact that he has allowed me to see Peanut three times is amazing to me. It was a belly ultrasound this time. I was ready for the wand but he said there was no need. You would think that I would be relieved that I wasn't going to have a wand shoved up my lady parts but the last time I had a belly ultrasound was at my 10 week appointment last year when we found out the baby had died. PTSD set in, but I managed to compose myself. As Dr. S placed the ultrasound on my stomach a nurse came in to ask him a questions. So here I am searching frantically for any sign of life and I can barely see anything but a sac.......Internally I was screaming....but then.....finally......as Dr. S was still talking to the nurse I yelled out, "there is a heartbeat!!". Dr. S nonchalantly agreed, as if he wasn't concerned at all. Sweet relief. We got to take a video of the heartbeat and I watch it all the time. I really hope Peanut is in it for the long haul.