4dp6dt

Today has been a roller coaster of emotions for me. This cycle by far is already the cycle where I have tested the most. Yikes. I thought since this was my 5th cycle....7th transfer. I would be alittle more cool and collected. Nothing has been farther from the truth.


Last night at 3dp6dt I had a positive on a FRER.....super exciting until this morning when I tested and the line was much lighter....cue the dramatics. Internal dramatics, mind you. I haven't told HB I have been testing, I haven't talked to my sister or my friends about it. I don't want to jinx anything so I have said nothing at all.


I did a total of six tests today. I can't even imagine the amount of money I have spent on hpts. It's unreal. Thank goodness for FSA so at least it's not taxed. Ultimately I am cautiously optimistic with the outcome. The tests from 7:00pm yesterday to 8:30pm today are both positive and appear to be getting darker, or pretty close to it.

It looks like I am pregnant!! I don't even know what to do with this information. This is the first time I have been the one to hold this knowledge on my own and I like that. This cycle has been my journey, the further realization of my dreams. It has been a battle leading up to it. Fighting with HB about whether we would have another baby or not, convincing him, fighting my body, endless drives back and forth to San Francisco, working with a new clinic, wishing for quality eggs, hoping those eggs make it to day 3 and then day 5. Pleading that those two embryos would come back chromosomally normal, and finding out while caring for my dying father that one  of them was days before he passed. Being able to have one of the last things I told him was that we were likely going to be able to give him another grandbaby and seeing the smile on his face.  This cycle, my 5th, is for me and I and worked so hard for it, on so many levels and I fucking deserve it.


I am still terrified of a chemical pregnancy, or that this baby won't make it. But for right now, in this moment, I am pregnant and that's pretty awesome.


Symptoms:
Today I have had mild cramping all day with leg cramps (thighs and calves sometimes). I feel what I can only describe as pressure in my uterus and have been feeling pulls in my uterus on and off. Maybe an occasional pinch.


This is my first natural cycle so I am hoping all of these symptoms are a good thing. At least I know none of these things that I am feeling are because of the progesterone.


I guess that's it for now. I wonder how many sticks I will pee on tomorrow???

Im Baaaacckkkkkkk!!!

One of the things I hate the most about the blogs I spend hours searching on the internet is the lack of follow-up. All these women who document their thoughts, concerns, stories, and then.........they fall off the face of the planet.

I can't even count the number of times I have read through the endless pages of babycenter.com community after looking up the key words: 3dp5dt, hpt, test, low beta, shadow, faint line, positive to find there is another person in this world who has experienced the same insecurity, fear, and potential happy ending that I am currently experiencing only to find no happy ending. There is no ending at all for that matter. All the hours I spent reading and identifying and waiting to see those fabulous end results, just to be disappointed when there is silence at the end of the thread. It's the most frustrating thing on the planet and I am guilty of it here.

It has been nearly two years since  I have written in this blog. The reality of it is, me abruptly halting my posts probably hasn't affected anyone. I know there really isn't anyone who reads this, but I still feel like I have to explain, even if this is only reaching one person, because maybe some part of what I write down will help someone get through a super hard day in her journey/struggle with infertility and I don't want to be that person that lets her down because of my lack of follow-up.

I guess the reason I stopped was because I didn't want to jinx my pregnancy. I was worried that if I put too much pressure on myself to write everyday and invested too much time in documenting everything in my journey, the world would somehow punish me and it would all go away again, like it did before. Crazy I know, but me none the less.

So here it is. I am not going to go into great historical detail because it would take forever to recount the events that have happened in the past two years but I am starting this blog again with the intention of keeping it going throughout the next chapter of my story, because I think it's an important story to share, even if its only something my daughter reads, decades from now.

That's right....I have a daughter! My pregnancy was successful and I gave birth to a little girl on 02/25/2016. She was, and continues to be amaze me and truly embodies all of the dreams I have had since I realized I wanted to be a mother. We call her Coconut (which she responds to)  and each day she amazes me with her personality, her snuggles and her love.

I am a different person now, overcoming infertility is an amazing and empowering thing. I am exhausted 99% of the time, I can't remember what day of the week it is, or where I left my keys, but I have a strength in me  I never knew I had. I went through one of the biggest challenges in my life and I kicked its ass. Silly as it may sound, I feel like I can do anything. When I put my mind to it and work hard (and have brilliant doctors in my corner, in this case) I can achieve anything. The Coconut is living proof of that.

More to come :)

The Data Speaks for Itself

I am a data girl. I like to look at the facts and determine what my odds are. As you can see from the table below, my hcg levels not only exceed the average levels for a single baby but also exceed the average numbers for twins! I cannot believe I am finally getting some stolid good news. This either means we have two babies in there or one kick-ass, super baby......I'll happily take either.

 

Beta #	Date	Days Past 5 Day Transfer	Days Past Ovulation	Time Pregnant	Time Blood Drawn	Time Between Tests	Doubling Time	My Beta	BetaBase Average for Single	BetaBase Average for Twins
1	6/25/15	9	14	4w0d	7am	N/A	N/A	125	129	237
2	6/27/15	11	16	4w2d	7am	48	31.96	354	280	547
3	6/29/15	13	18	4w4d	5pm	58	32.15	1236	582	1144
4	7/1/15	15	20	4w6d	12pm	43	34.17	2957	1202	2320
5	7/3/15	17	22	5w1d	11am	47	50.54	5634	2321	4695

 

I don't know how I forgot to mention the significance of  the ultrasound I had a couple or days ago, but I did. The day I went in to see Dr. S was exactly one year to the day that we went into see him and found out we lost our first baby. I was kind of hesitant to go in on the 1 year anniversary of such a traumatic event in my life but did it anyway. Luckily this time we didn't get awful news which I am so relieved about. I just hope things continue on such a good path.

 

It's hard to allow myself to let my guard down and actually enjoy the small victories, this is something I really need to work on or else this is going to be a very long nine months. Each time I get a piece of good news I immediately move my worry on to the next milestone I need to conquer. I think its understandable to feel the way I do after going through what I have been through but I need to try to enjoy what I have when I have it. Rather than be miserable the entire time. Like I mentioned before, if I continue this is will be an extremely long nine months.

 

I'll be sure to work on that.

Symptoms: I still don't have much in the way of symptoms but here is what I have noticed so far, real or imaginary: slightly sore boobs/nipples (firmer as well), wonkie feeling when I stand up (see spots) sometimes, really thirsty, super tired.

Betas #3-#5

Well, I don't really have an excellent excuse for not writing the past few days except for extreme laziness. I have been SOOOOO tired lately it's ridiculous. Yesterday I came home from work and slept for two and a half hours and still ended up going to be around 9:30. It was crazy. I suppose fatigue is the only symptom I am showing at the moment, although I wish I was having more. I would feel more reassured that way. Luckily, however, my OB/GYN knows me (and my crazy) and has been greatly accommodating to my neurosis and has let me come in for additional betas beyond what my RE ordered. Other that the fatigue I had some minor twinges/pulls in my uterus, a quick spell or two of dizziness and sometimes I convince myself I am nauseous....but I don't know if that is really true.

I called my OB/GYNs medical assistant because I knew she would be really excited as she has been helping me through all of my surgeries, IVF, miscarriages, D&Cs, etc. As I imagined, she was thrilled and said that although it was extremely early Dr. S might be able to see me for an ultrasound. She has me come in that evening for some blood work to check my hcg and progesterone. which was exactly what I was hoping she would do. Watching my beta continue to rise will totally ease my mind. I got my results the next day. My beta rose from 354 to 1236 in 58 hours. That's amazing!!! That number absolutely exceeded my expectation!!!! I feel like we may be in twin territory with those numbers. Side note, progesterone came back at 20.8, which she said was great!

Two days later, at 15dp5dt/20dpo/4w6d I went in for an ultrasound. I can't describe how nervous I was, even though I knew there was a likelihood that we were not going to see much. From the research I have done most people just see empty sacks at this point. I didn't care though, I wanted to see that sack and know that we are on the right track and the baby wasn't growing in my tube or something awful like that. So Dr. S  put in the wand.....of course the monitor that I was supposed to look to see what was going on was broken, so we had to sit and wait while Dr. S evaluated the situation and left us nearly dying in suspense. Silence. Then he pulls the wand out and says, "How far along are you supposed to be?" We froze with terror.

For those you who I have told about Dr. S you know that while he is a brilliant OB/GYN and surgeon he is less amazing with his bedside manner and remembering details , ie my name and surgeries (that he performed on me) for example. This is something I am not particularly fond of but have learned to live with over the years as he is the best as what he does, and I know I am in excellent hand while in his care.

I told him that we were only 4w1d and then he seemed to relax. He told me and HB that the ultrasound showed exactly what it should at that point.....a sac with the beginning of a yolk sack in my uterus...not my tube. All good news. Then I asked, did you see one or two? I was hoping to at least find out if we were having twins or not. He said he wasn't sure, but thought one. I am thinking that because he didn't know we transferred two, he didn't spend the time looking around for the second one. I still truly believe there are two in there. But needless to say, I am ecstatic for whatever is growing inside of me, 1 or 2!! Either way we would be extremely grateful.

Dr. S told me that we probably wouldn't see the heartbeat until around 6w2d. Which lands on a Saturday, meaning that I could not come in until that Monday, 11 days later. Well that just wasn't going to work for me so I asked if I could come in next week. He agreed as long as I promise that  I wouldn't be disappointed if we didn't see a heartbeat as it would still be pretty early. I promised and we now have a ultrasound scheduled for next week.

They drew my blood again, because I asked them too and it came back at 2957!!!! It more than doubled in less than 48 hours. Everything is right on track. I hope more than anything this continues.

While looking at my post appointment notes online I saw that Dr. S ordered recurring hcg test for every 2 days until 07/31/2015. He didn't tell me to go in but I took this as a sign and did anyways today and just got those results back....5634!! Not quite doubling in 48 hours but very close. I have learned that once your hcg hits around 1200 doubling times slow from 48-72 hours to 72-92 hours. This time doubling time was 50 hours so again, right on track, even better actually!!!

I don't want to get myself too excited but this really feels like it could be it!! Until the ultrasound, I will be keeping everything crossed and trying to keep myself busy to pass the time.

Beta #1

It's official!!! I'm pregnant.....beta #1 came back at 124 on 9dp5dt!! I think that's a pretty solid number!

I am feeling really good, and am trying to enjoy where we are in this process without ruining it by worrying about Saturday's results. Wouldn't it be amazing if my beta more than doubled and I didn't have to go through beta hell not overanalyzing it?? I think that would be perfect. My happy number for Saturday would be 300 so lets hope it gets there.

For the time being, I will take comfort in knowing that I am pregnant and that there is a baby (or two) currently growing inside. What an awesome thought!

I don't have much as far as symptoms right now. My boobs are not sore today. I had a few pinches/pulls/twinges in my lower abdomen and some leg cramping but that's about it. Hopefully more symptoms come soon.

8DP5DT

I have finally come to a place where I can somewhat enjoy the fact that I am somewhat pregnant. This morning I tested, per usual, however, I didn't frantically wake up at 4am and race to the loo.  I managed to comfortably sleep the whole night through, woke up relaxed and casually tested. This is what I saw:

Even darker than the day before!! I am now more hopeful than ever that this could really be happening.

Tomorrow is beta and I am hoping for a good, strong number. The first time we were  pregnant beta #1 was 89........I am hoping to double......or even triple that. That maybe wishful thinking.....but that's me. I am a dreamer, an optimist (even though I am really good at masking my happy thoughts with sarcasm and bitter rants) deep down inside I am always hoping for the happy ending.

So here I am, at this awful stage between PUPO and confirming this is a viable pregnancy. There is always something to wait for in this process and I am afraid it only gets worse from here. You thought I was bad about obsessing over pee sticks? Well, now I have to fight myself from going into straight up overdrive of Googling and overanalyzing each beta and then, hopefully, waiting for the first ultrasound and seeing a heartbeat. This is going to be a long couple of weeks. But as usual, I am getting ahead of myself.

Let me just take the rest of the evening to enjoy where I am today and know that Thing 1 and Thing 2 are comfortable resting and growing inside me.

I like the thought of that.

7DP5DT - Look who decided to join the party....

FINALLY!!! At 7dp5dt (at around 5:30 pm) the Dollar Tree (DT) test finally got with the program and showed a decent positive result! Thank goodness because I was having a really difficult time enjoying my positive FRERs knowing in the back of my mind that the DT tests were barely showing anything.

 

I am less of a fan of the DT tests then I ever have ever been before. I hear they are really accurate when you get a positive but I don't know if it is worth it to wait that long before getting any sort of decent result. Especially for how often I test and for how I depend on each and every result......not healthy, I know, but at least I am being truthful.

While taking a ride on the honesty train I suppose I should share the rest of the pictures I have compulsive taken of today's tests.

*****Please note, this is where you are supposed to refrain from judging me........I have an addiction sir!!!

As you can see each result is getting progressive darker which I am thrilled about. This is really leading me to believe this could be happening for us, but I don't want to jinx it.

Today I had a few aches and pains in my belly, some more cervix cramping and a stitch in my side that really sucked.......but I am grateful for it all because it seems like everything is working.

The real issue has been my lack of concentration. I am so incredibly occupied with what could be happening in my body that I have been having trouble focusing on anything else. This isn't a huge deal when I am at home but it isn't the best feeling to feel so distracted at work. To tell you the truth though, I don't think I have control over all of it though. Some of it I do, but I attribute some of it to the fatigue I am feeling which may be a result of my possible pregnancy. Luckily, I have a kickass boss who is extremely understanding which makes me feel alittle better. I know once I get the results of the betas I will be able to focus on things other than pee sticks. God......I barely remember what that is like.

More to come.