4dp6dt

Today has been a roller coaster of emotions for me. This cycle by far is already the cycle where I have tested the most. Yikes. I thought since this was my 5th cycle....7th transfer. I would be alittle more cool and collected. Nothing has been farther from the truth.


Last night at 3dp6dt I had a positive on a FRER.....super exciting until this morning when I tested and the line was much lighter....cue the dramatics. Internal dramatics, mind you. I haven't told HB I have been testing, I haven't talked to my sister or my friends about it. I don't want to jinx anything so I have said nothing at all.


I did a total of six tests today. I can't even imagine the amount of money I have spent on hpts. It's unreal. Thank goodness for FSA so at least it's not taxed. Ultimately I am cautiously optimistic with the outcome. The tests from 7:00pm yesterday to 8:30pm today are both positive and appear to be getting darker, or pretty close to it.

It looks like I am pregnant!! I don't even know what to do with this information. This is the first time I have been the one to hold this knowledge on my own and I like that. This cycle has been my journey, the further realization of my dreams. It has been a battle leading up to it. Fighting with HB about whether we would have another baby or not, convincing him, fighting my body, endless drives back and forth to San Francisco, working with a new clinic, wishing for quality eggs, hoping those eggs make it to day 3 and then day 5. Pleading that those two embryos would come back chromosomally normal, and finding out while caring for my dying father that one  of them was days before he passed. Being able to have one of the last things I told him was that we were likely going to be able to give him another grandbaby and seeing the smile on his face.  This cycle, my 5th, is for me and I and worked so hard for it, on so many levels and I fucking deserve it.


I am still terrified of a chemical pregnancy, or that this baby won't make it. But for right now, in this moment, I am pregnant and that's pretty awesome.


Symptoms:
Today I have had mild cramping all day with leg cramps (thighs and calves sometimes). I feel what I can only describe as pressure in my uterus and have been feeling pulls in my uterus on and off. Maybe an occasional pinch.


This is my first natural cycle so I am hoping all of these symptoms are a good thing. At least I know none of these things that I am feeling are because of the progesterone.


I guess that's it for now. I wonder how many sticks I will pee on tomorrow???

Beta #1

It's official!!! I'm pregnant.....beta #1 came back at 124 on 9dp5dt!! I think that's a pretty solid number!

I am feeling really good, and am trying to enjoy where we are in this process without ruining it by worrying about Saturday's results. Wouldn't it be amazing if my beta more than doubled and I didn't have to go through beta hell not overanalyzing it?? I think that would be perfect. My happy number for Saturday would be 300 so lets hope it gets there.

For the time being, I will take comfort in knowing that I am pregnant and that there is a baby (or two) currently growing inside. What an awesome thought!

I don't have much as far as symptoms right now. My boobs are not sore today. I had a few pinches/pulls/twinges in my lower abdomen and some leg cramping but that's about it. Hopefully more symptoms come soon.

8DP5DT

I have finally come to a place where I can somewhat enjoy the fact that I am somewhat pregnant. This morning I tested, per usual, however, I didn't frantically wake up at 4am and race to the loo.  I managed to comfortably sleep the whole night through, woke up relaxed and casually tested. This is what I saw:

Even darker than the day before!! I am now more hopeful than ever that this could really be happening.

Tomorrow is beta and I am hoping for a good, strong number. The first time we were  pregnant beta #1 was 89........I am hoping to double......or even triple that. That maybe wishful thinking.....but that's me. I am a dreamer, an optimist (even though I am really good at masking my happy thoughts with sarcasm and bitter rants) deep down inside I am always hoping for the happy ending.

So here I am, at this awful stage between PUPO and confirming this is a viable pregnancy. There is always something to wait for in this process and I am afraid it only gets worse from here. You thought I was bad about obsessing over pee sticks? Well, now I have to fight myself from going into straight up overdrive of Googling and overanalyzing each beta and then, hopefully, waiting for the first ultrasound and seeing a heartbeat. This is going to be a long couple of weeks. But as usual, I am getting ahead of myself.

Let me just take the rest of the evening to enjoy where I am today and know that Thing 1 and Thing 2 are comfortable resting and growing inside me.

I like the thought of that.

7DP5DT - Look who decided to join the party....

FINALLY!!! At 7dp5dt (at around 5:30 pm) the Dollar Tree (DT) test finally got with the program and showed a decent positive result! Thank goodness because I was having a really difficult time enjoying my positive FRERs knowing in the back of my mind that the DT tests were barely showing anything.

 

I am less of a fan of the DT tests then I ever have ever been before. I hear they are really accurate when you get a positive but I don't know if it is worth it to wait that long before getting any sort of decent result. Especially for how often I test and for how I depend on each and every result......not healthy, I know, but at least I am being truthful.

While taking a ride on the honesty train I suppose I should share the rest of the pictures I have compulsive taken of today's tests.

*****Please note, this is where you are supposed to refrain from judging me........I have an addiction sir!!!

As you can see each result is getting progressive darker which I am thrilled about. This is really leading me to believe this could be happening for us, but I don't want to jinx it.

Today I had a few aches and pains in my belly, some more cervix cramping and a stitch in my side that really sucked.......but I am grateful for it all because it seems like everything is working.

The real issue has been my lack of concentration. I am so incredibly occupied with what could be happening in my body that I have been having trouble focusing on anything else. This isn't a huge deal when I am at home but it isn't the best feeling to feel so distracted at work. To tell you the truth though, I don't think I have control over all of it though. Some of it I do, but I attribute some of it to the fatigue I am feeling which may be a result of my possible pregnancy. Luckily, I have a kickass boss who is extremely understanding which makes me feel alittle better. I know once I get the results of the betas I will be able to focus on things other than pee sticks. God......I barely remember what that is like.

More to come.