Now that HB and I are on the same page and are moving forward with another round of IVF, I am finding myself in a place that I haven't been in a while......nervous. Now that I have gotten past the unexpected and heartbreaking hurdle of semi-convincing my husband to have another child with me (or at least try), I have realized that now I am faced with the even scarier prospect of not being able to get pregnant again through this next (and final) round of IVF. This is it. I promised HB that this the last try, but what if it doesn't work? What do I do then? I am so incredibly lucky to have to Coconut, having another child would be an incredible bonus, however, I am realizing more and more now that it is a bonus that I need. There is a lot riding on this one round of IVF. It took us three rounds to get the Coconut. Will I be lucky enough to have it work two cycles in a row?
It's becoming more and more real now as I am scheduling appointments at my clinic. I think about the prospect of holding another sweet baby in my arms and it is something I imagine that will weigh heavily on me until I either a) become pregnant or b) exhaust all of the embryos of this next cycle (and the one we currently have on ice). This is something I will have to work on throughout this process. I will need to work through the anxiety and the stress and somehow learn to accept whatever happens, will happen and just do the best I can along the way. This will not come easily but I am starting this practice of acceptance now. I need to be prepared for the worst, and will always continue to hope for the best.
Sunday, March 26, 2017
Friday, March 17, 2017
Im Baaaacckkkkkkk!!!
One of the things I hate the most about the blogs I spend hours searching on the internet is the lack of follow-up. All these women who document their thoughts, concerns, stories, and then.........they fall off the face of the planet.
I can't even count the number of times I have read through the endless pages of babycenter.com community after looking up the key words: 3dp5dt, hpt, test, low beta, shadow, faint line, positive to find there is another person in this world who has experienced the same insecurity, fear, and potential happy ending that I am currently experiencing only to find no happy ending. There is no ending at all for that matter. All the hours I spent reading and identifying and waiting to see those fabulous end results, just to be disappointed when there is silence at the end of the thread. It's the most frustrating thing on the planet and I am guilty of it here.
It has been nearly two years since I have written in this blog. The reality of it is, me abruptly halting my posts probably hasn't affected anyone. I know there really isn't anyone who reads this, but I still feel like I have to explain, even if this is only reaching one person, because maybe some part of what I write down will help someone get through a super hard day in her journey/struggle with infertility and I don't want to be that person that lets her down because of my lack of follow-up.
I guess the reason I stopped was because I didn't want to jinx my pregnancy. I was worried that if I put too much pressure on myself to write everyday and invested too much time in documenting everything in my journey, the world would somehow punish me and it would all go away again, like it did before. Crazy I know, but me none the less.
So here it is. I am not going to go into great historical detail because it would take forever to recount the events that have happened in the past two years but I am starting this blog again with the intention of keeping it going throughout the next chapter of my story, because I think it's an important story to share, even if its only something my daughter reads, decades from now.
That's right....I have a daughter! My pregnancy was successful and I gave birth to a little girl on 02/25/2016. She was, and continues to be amaze me and truly embodies all of the dreams I have had since I realized I wanted to be a mother. We call her Coconut (which she responds to) and each day she amazes me with her personality, her snuggles and her love.
I am a different person now, overcoming infertility is an amazing and empowering thing. I am exhausted 99% of the time, I can't remember what day of the week it is, or where I left my keys, but I have a strength in me I never knew I had. I went through one of the biggest challenges in my life and I kicked its ass. Silly as it may sound, I feel like I can do anything. When I put my mind to it and work hard (and have brilliant doctors in my corner, in this case) I can achieve anything. The Coconut is living proof of that.
More to come :)
I can't even count the number of times I have read through the endless pages of babycenter.com community after looking up the key words: 3dp5dt, hpt, test, low beta, shadow, faint line, positive to find there is another person in this world who has experienced the same insecurity, fear, and potential happy ending that I am currently experiencing only to find no happy ending. There is no ending at all for that matter. All the hours I spent reading and identifying and waiting to see those fabulous end results, just to be disappointed when there is silence at the end of the thread. It's the most frustrating thing on the planet and I am guilty of it here.
It has been nearly two years since I have written in this blog. The reality of it is, me abruptly halting my posts probably hasn't affected anyone. I know there really isn't anyone who reads this, but I still feel like I have to explain, even if this is only reaching one person, because maybe some part of what I write down will help someone get through a super hard day in her journey/struggle with infertility and I don't want to be that person that lets her down because of my lack of follow-up.
I guess the reason I stopped was because I didn't want to jinx my pregnancy. I was worried that if I put too much pressure on myself to write everyday and invested too much time in documenting everything in my journey, the world would somehow punish me and it would all go away again, like it did before. Crazy I know, but me none the less.
So here it is. I am not going to go into great historical detail because it would take forever to recount the events that have happened in the past two years but I am starting this blog again with the intention of keeping it going throughout the next chapter of my story, because I think it's an important story to share, even if its only something my daughter reads, decades from now.
That's right....I have a daughter! My pregnancy was successful and I gave birth to a little girl on 02/25/2016. She was, and continues to be amaze me and truly embodies all of the dreams I have had since I realized I wanted to be a mother. We call her Coconut (which she responds to) and each day she amazes me with her personality, her snuggles and her love.
I am a different person now, overcoming infertility is an amazing and empowering thing. I am exhausted 99% of the time, I can't remember what day of the week it is, or where I left my keys, but I have a strength in me I never knew I had. I went through one of the biggest challenges in my life and I kicked its ass. Silly as it may sound, I feel like I can do anything. When I put my mind to it and work hard (and have brilliant doctors in my corner, in this case) I can achieve anything. The Coconut is living proof of that.
More to come :)
Thursday, July 23, 2015
8w0d
I haven't been writing a lot lately......I know that. I am scared that if I write that I am happy and that everything is going well then something will inevitably go wrong. So I sit here and think that if I continuously and on the defense, then nothing bad can actually happen. Its crazypants I know......but that's me.
For the past week and a half I have been incredibly nauseous. I haven't thrown up but I am always in a constant state of queasiness. I know this is a good thing so I am grateful for it but its alittle annoying too. I have lost like 3 or 4 pounds....I hope Peanut is doing ok.
So my boss started calling the baby Peanut and now that is what I call him/her too. I think it's precious, and since we officially know its not twins, I felt it was appropriate to change on the name.
So Peanut it is.
Yesterday, at 7w6d we had an appointment with Dr. S for an ultrasound. I am grateful because I think he lets me come in to see the baby just so I don't go crazy. Typically, I don't think he has women come in until week 10 so the fact that he has allowed me to see Peanut three times is amazing to me. It was a belly ultrasound this time. I was ready for the wand but he said there was no need. You would think that I would be relieved that I wasn't going to have a wand shoved up my lady parts but the last time I had a belly ultrasound was at my 10 week appointment last year when we found out the baby had died. PTSD set in, but I managed to compose myself. As Dr. S placed the ultrasound on my stomach a nurse came in to ask him a questions. So here I am searching frantically for any sign of life and I can barely see anything but a sac.......Internally I was screaming....but then.....finally......as Dr. S was still talking to the nurse I yelled out, "there is a heartbeat!!". Dr. S nonchalantly agreed, as if he wasn't concerned at all. Sweet relief. We got to take a video of the heartbeat and I watch it all the time. I really hope Peanut is in it for the long haul.
For the past week and a half I have been incredibly nauseous. I haven't thrown up but I am always in a constant state of queasiness. I know this is a good thing so I am grateful for it but its alittle annoying too. I have lost like 3 or 4 pounds....I hope Peanut is doing ok.
So my boss started calling the baby Peanut and now that is what I call him/her too. I think it's precious, and since we officially know its not twins, I felt it was appropriate to change on the name.
So Peanut it is.
Yesterday, at 7w6d we had an appointment with Dr. S for an ultrasound. I am grateful because I think he lets me come in to see the baby just so I don't go crazy. Typically, I don't think he has women come in until week 10 so the fact that he has allowed me to see Peanut three times is amazing to me. It was a belly ultrasound this time. I was ready for the wand but he said there was no need. You would think that I would be relieved that I wasn't going to have a wand shoved up my lady parts but the last time I had a belly ultrasound was at my 10 week appointment last year when we found out the baby had died. PTSD set in, but I managed to compose myself. As Dr. S placed the ultrasound on my stomach a nurse came in to ask him a questions. So here I am searching frantically for any sign of life and I can barely see anything but a sac.......Internally I was screaming....but then.....finally......as Dr. S was still talking to the nurse I yelled out, "there is a heartbeat!!". Dr. S nonchalantly agreed, as if he wasn't concerned at all. Sweet relief. We got to take a video of the heartbeat and I watch it all the time. I really hope Peanut is in it for the long haul.
Saturday, July 11, 2015
Ultrasound 2
On Wednesday, 22dp5dt, 5w6d, HB and I went in to see Dr. S and have our second ultrasound. I was so nervous, I was practically shaking the entire morning. I managed to get through a couple hours of work and go to my appointment. In comes Dr. S, in goes the wand........and silence. Of course we were taken to the ultrasound room where the viewing monitor is broken so I had no idea what Dr. S was seeing. He's not an easy man to read either so I had no idea what was going on.
Well it turns out he saw one sac, one yolk sac and one fluttering heartbeat!! I was so relieved and thrilled. Dr. S was happy to see the heartbeat so early and I could finally breathe again. I think HB was uber relieved that there was only one sac, I don't think he was really ready for the idea of two babies at once, even though I was loved the idea. Dr. S wants to see us again in a couple of weeks as there is nothing else to do but wait and see if the embryo develops properly.
But as quickly as my anxiousness turned to relief it turned back to anxiousness again. I feel like I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop and for the next ultrasound to reveal another missed miscarriage. That this couldn't possibly be real and I couldn't possible be pregnant. I just need to maintain and get through this first trimester and then maybe I can breathe again. If my boobs don't hurt for just one moment out of the day when I jab them, I automatically assume that means my hcg levels are decreasing and another loss is inevitable.
I think the way that I am feeling is normal given what I have been through. I am protecting myself, I am always on the defense. I am incredibly tired of the few people who do know we are pregnant telling me to enjoy the good news and not let myself worry about it. How dare they? I am entitled to my feelings and if this is the way I want to get through this stressful time, then so be it. I am so glad we only told a fraction of the people we did last time at this stage. At this point I don't want people asking me about it, I don't want to feel obligated to give appointment highlights to everyone, I just need to maintain and get through the next six weeks. Pardon the Debbie Downer rant.
With all that being said, I am trying to keep as neutral as possible and not getting myself too worked up. I just bought a new guided meditation by Circle + Bloom which focuses on the early pregnancy so hopefully that will help.
But for now I am pregnant. There is a little baby growing inside me each day and it is my ultimate dream that I get to meet him or her someday.
Well it turns out he saw one sac, one yolk sac and one fluttering heartbeat!! I was so relieved and thrilled. Dr. S was happy to see the heartbeat so early and I could finally breathe again. I think HB was uber relieved that there was only one sac, I don't think he was really ready for the idea of two babies at once, even though I was loved the idea. Dr. S wants to see us again in a couple of weeks as there is nothing else to do but wait and see if the embryo develops properly.
But as quickly as my anxiousness turned to relief it turned back to anxiousness again. I feel like I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop and for the next ultrasound to reveal another missed miscarriage. That this couldn't possibly be real and I couldn't possible be pregnant. I just need to maintain and get through this first trimester and then maybe I can breathe again. If my boobs don't hurt for just one moment out of the day when I jab them, I automatically assume that means my hcg levels are decreasing and another loss is inevitable.
I think the way that I am feeling is normal given what I have been through. I am protecting myself, I am always on the defense. I am incredibly tired of the few people who do know we are pregnant telling me to enjoy the good news and not let myself worry about it. How dare they? I am entitled to my feelings and if this is the way I want to get through this stressful time, then so be it. I am so glad we only told a fraction of the people we did last time at this stage. At this point I don't want people asking me about it, I don't want to feel obligated to give appointment highlights to everyone, I just need to maintain and get through the next six weeks. Pardon the Debbie Downer rant.
With all that being said, I am trying to keep as neutral as possible and not getting myself too worked up. I just bought a new guided meditation by Circle + Bloom which focuses on the early pregnancy so hopefully that will help.
But for now I am pregnant. There is a little baby growing inside me each day and it is my ultimate dream that I get to meet him or her someday.
Saturday, July 4, 2015
The Data Speaks for Itself
I am a data girl. I like to look at the facts and determine what my odds are. As you can see from the table below, my hcg levels not only exceed the average levels for a single baby but also exceed the average numbers for twins! I cannot believe I am finally getting some stolid good news. This either means we have two babies in there or one kick-ass, super baby......I'll happily take either.
Beta #
|
Date
|
Days Past 5 Day Transfer
|
Days Past Ovulation
|
Time Pregnant
|
Time Blood Drawn
|
Time Between Tests
|
Doubling Time
|
My Beta
|
BetaBase Average for Single
|
BetaBase Average for Twins
|
1
|
6/25/15
|
9
|
14
|
4w0d
|
7am
|
N/A
|
N/A
|
125
|
129
|
237
|
2
|
6/27/15
|
11
|
16
|
4w2d
|
7am
|
48
|
31.96
|
354
|
280
|
547
|
3
|
6/29/15
|
13
|
18
|
4w4d
|
5pm
|
58
|
32.15
|
1236
|
582
|
1144
|
4
|
7/1/15
|
15
|
20
|
4w6d
|
12pm
|
43
|
34.17
|
2957
|
1202
|
2320
|
5
|
7/3/15
|
17
|
22
|
5w1d
|
11am
|
47
|
50.54
|
5634
|
2321
|
4695
|
I don't know how I forgot to mention the significance of the ultrasound I had a couple or days ago, but I did. The day I went in to see Dr. S was exactly one year to the day that we went into see him and found out we lost our first baby. I was kind of hesitant to go in on the 1 year anniversary of such a traumatic event in my life but did it anyway. Luckily this time we didn't get awful news which I am so relieved about. I just hope things continue on such a good path.
It's hard to allow myself to let my guard down and actually enjoy the small victories, this is something I really need to work on or else this is going to be a very long nine months. Each time I get a piece of good news I immediately move my worry on to the next milestone I need to conquer. I think its understandable to feel the way I do after going through what I have been through but I need to try to enjoy what I have when I have it. Rather than be miserable the entire time. Like I mentioned before, if I continue this is will be an extremely long nine months.
I'll be sure to work on that.
Symptoms: I still don't have much in the way of symptoms but here is what I have noticed so far, real or imaginary: slightly sore boobs/nipples (firmer as well), wonkie feeling when I stand up (see spots) sometimes, really thirsty, super tired.
Symptoms: I still don't have much in the way of symptoms but here is what I have noticed so far, real or imaginary: slightly sore boobs/nipples (firmer as well), wonkie feeling when I stand up (see spots) sometimes, really thirsty, super tired.
Friday, July 3, 2015
Betas #3-#5
Well, I don't really have an excellent excuse for not writing the past few days except for extreme laziness. I have been SOOOOO tired lately it's ridiculous. Yesterday I came home from work and slept for two and a half hours and still ended up going to be around 9:30. It was crazy. I suppose fatigue is the only symptom I am showing at the moment, although I wish I was having more. I would feel more reassured that way. Luckily, however, my OB/GYN knows me (and my crazy) and has been greatly accommodating to my neurosis and has let me come in for additional betas beyond what my RE ordered. Other that the fatigue I had some minor twinges/pulls in my uterus, a quick spell or two of dizziness and sometimes I convince myself I am nauseous....but I don't know if that is really true.
I called my OB/GYNs medical assistant because I knew she would be really excited as she has been helping me through all of my surgeries, IVF, miscarriages, D&Cs, etc. As I imagined, she was thrilled and said that although it was extremely early Dr. S might be able to see me for an ultrasound. She has me come in that evening for some blood work to check my hcg and progesterone. which was exactly what I was hoping she would do. Watching my beta continue to rise will totally ease my mind. I got my results the next day. My beta rose from 354 to 1236 in 58 hours. That's amazing!!! That number absolutely exceeded my expectation!!!! I feel like we may be in twin territory with those numbers. Side note, progesterone came back at 20.8, which she said was great!
Two days later, at 15dp5dt/20dpo/4w6d I went in for an ultrasound. I can't describe how nervous I was, even though I knew there was a likelihood that we were not going to see much. From the research I have done most people just see empty sacks at this point. I didn't care though, I wanted to see that sack and know that we are on the right track and the baby wasn't growing in my tube or something awful like that. So Dr. S put in the wand.....of course the monitor that I was supposed to look to see what was going on was broken, so we had to sit and wait while Dr. S evaluated the situation and left us nearly dying in suspense. Silence. Then he pulls the wand out and says, "How far along are you supposed to be?" We froze with terror.
For those you who I have told about Dr. S you know that while he is a brilliant OB/GYN and surgeon he is less amazing with his bedside manner and remembering details , ie my name and surgeries (that he performed on me) for example. This is something I am not particularly fond of but have learned to live with over the years as he is the best as what he does, and I know I am in excellent hand while in his care.
I told him that we were only 4w1d and then he seemed to relax. He told me and HB that the ultrasound showed exactly what it should at that point.....a sac with the beginning of a yolk sack in my uterus...not my tube. All good news. Then I asked, did you see one or two? I was hoping to at least find out if we were having twins or not. He said he wasn't sure, but thought one. I am thinking that because he didn't know we transferred two, he didn't spend the time looking around for the second one. I still truly believe there are two in there. But needless to say, I am ecstatic for whatever is growing inside of me, 1 or 2!! Either way we would be extremely grateful.
Dr. S told me that we probably wouldn't see the heartbeat until around 6w2d. Which lands on a Saturday, meaning that I could not come in until that Monday, 11 days later. Well that just wasn't going to work for me so I asked if I could come in next week. He agreed as long as I promise that I wouldn't be disappointed if we didn't see a heartbeat as it would still be pretty early. I promised and we now have a ultrasound scheduled for next week.
They drew my blood again, because I asked them too and it came back at 2957!!!! It more than doubled in less than 48 hours. Everything is right on track. I hope more than anything this continues.
While looking at my post appointment notes online I saw that Dr. S ordered recurring hcg test for every 2 days until 07/31/2015. He didn't tell me to go in but I took this as a sign and did anyways today and just got those results back....5634!! Not quite doubling in 48 hours but very close. I have learned that once your hcg hits around 1200 doubling times slow from 48-72 hours to 72-92 hours. This time doubling time was 50 hours so again, right on track, even better actually!!!
I don't want to get myself too excited but this really feels like it could be it!! Until the ultrasound, I will be keeping everything crossed and trying to keep myself busy to pass the time.
I called my OB/GYNs medical assistant because I knew she would be really excited as she has been helping me through all of my surgeries, IVF, miscarriages, D&Cs, etc. As I imagined, she was thrilled and said that although it was extremely early Dr. S might be able to see me for an ultrasound. She has me come in that evening for some blood work to check my hcg and progesterone. which was exactly what I was hoping she would do. Watching my beta continue to rise will totally ease my mind. I got my results the next day. My beta rose from 354 to 1236 in 58 hours. That's amazing!!! That number absolutely exceeded my expectation!!!! I feel like we may be in twin territory with those numbers. Side note, progesterone came back at 20.8, which she said was great!
Two days later, at 15dp5dt/20dpo/4w6d I went in for an ultrasound. I can't describe how nervous I was, even though I knew there was a likelihood that we were not going to see much. From the research I have done most people just see empty sacks at this point. I didn't care though, I wanted to see that sack and know that we are on the right track and the baby wasn't growing in my tube or something awful like that. So Dr. S put in the wand.....of course the monitor that I was supposed to look to see what was going on was broken, so we had to sit and wait while Dr. S evaluated the situation and left us nearly dying in suspense. Silence. Then he pulls the wand out and says, "How far along are you supposed to be?" We froze with terror.
For those you who I have told about Dr. S you know that while he is a brilliant OB/GYN and surgeon he is less amazing with his bedside manner and remembering details , ie my name and surgeries (that he performed on me) for example. This is something I am not particularly fond of but have learned to live with over the years as he is the best as what he does, and I know I am in excellent hand while in his care.
I told him that we were only 4w1d and then he seemed to relax. He told me and HB that the ultrasound showed exactly what it should at that point.....a sac with the beginning of a yolk sack in my uterus...not my tube. All good news. Then I asked, did you see one or two? I was hoping to at least find out if we were having twins or not. He said he wasn't sure, but thought one. I am thinking that because he didn't know we transferred two, he didn't spend the time looking around for the second one. I still truly believe there are two in there. But needless to say, I am ecstatic for whatever is growing inside of me, 1 or 2!! Either way we would be extremely grateful.
Dr. S told me that we probably wouldn't see the heartbeat until around 6w2d. Which lands on a Saturday, meaning that I could not come in until that Monday, 11 days later. Well that just wasn't going to work for me so I asked if I could come in next week. He agreed as long as I promise that I wouldn't be disappointed if we didn't see a heartbeat as it would still be pretty early. I promised and we now have a ultrasound scheduled for next week.
They drew my blood again, because I asked them too and it came back at 2957!!!! It more than doubled in less than 48 hours. Everything is right on track. I hope more than anything this continues.
While looking at my post appointment notes online I saw that Dr. S ordered recurring hcg test for every 2 days until 07/31/2015. He didn't tell me to go in but I took this as a sign and did anyways today and just got those results back....5634!! Not quite doubling in 48 hours but very close. I have learned that once your hcg hits around 1200 doubling times slow from 48-72 hours to 72-92 hours. This time doubling time was 50 hours so again, right on track, even better actually!!!
I don't want to get myself too excited but this really feels like it could be it!! Until the ultrasound, I will be keeping everything crossed and trying to keep myself busy to pass the time.
Sunday, June 28, 2015
Beta #2
I couldn't of been more impressed or surprised by our second beta result. I definitely wasn't expecting this. And the results are.......
It went from 125 on 9dp5dt to 354 on 11dp5dt!!! That's a doubling time of 32 hours! I really couldn't believe it when I read the results. I was stunned.
I am trying extremely hard to maintain my expectations. I know that really anything could happen at this point and I don't want to get overly excited about something that could so easily and quickly be taken away from me.
I want this baby (or babies) so badly. This is all I have ever wanted and I am so close to it I can see it. But what if I lose them again? What if I have to go through all the pain and sadness again. Can we handle that? I wish there was someway that I could know ahead of time which way this was going to go so that I could prepare myself. I wish I could have some control over this but of course I know this is out of my hands.
How will I get through the next couple of weeks until the first ultrasound? Its going to be so hard not knowing if everything is going well in there. I forget how I passed the time the last time.
Yesterday (11dp5dt) and today (12dp5dt) I have still been feeling pulls down in my uterus. Primarily it has been over on the right side which is different because I typically felt most sensations on my left side previously, but I will take what I can get. I hope this means that they are growing. Other than that I haven't had any symptoms really. My boobs have not been sore, although I have been pushing against them so much to see if they are sore I am surprised that they aren't by now. I never thought I would say this but I wish I was nauseous. If I were nauseous, I would at least know that something is going on in me. The lack of symptoms is worse than actually having them (or at least that is what I imagine).
So now I will try to fill my time with anything that will make the days go by more quickly and try to trust in the fact that everything is going according to plan and in 9 months I will give birth to our baby and all of my dreams come true.
Easier said than done.
It went from 125 on 9dp5dt to 354 on 11dp5dt!!! That's a doubling time of 32 hours! I really couldn't believe it when I read the results. I was stunned.
I am trying extremely hard to maintain my expectations. I know that really anything could happen at this point and I don't want to get overly excited about something that could so easily and quickly be taken away from me.
I want this baby (or babies) so badly. This is all I have ever wanted and I am so close to it I can see it. But what if I lose them again? What if I have to go through all the pain and sadness again. Can we handle that? I wish there was someway that I could know ahead of time which way this was going to go so that I could prepare myself. I wish I could have some control over this but of course I know this is out of my hands.
How will I get through the next couple of weeks until the first ultrasound? Its going to be so hard not knowing if everything is going well in there. I forget how I passed the time the last time.
Yesterday (11dp5dt) and today (12dp5dt) I have still been feeling pulls down in my uterus. Primarily it has been over on the right side which is different because I typically felt most sensations on my left side previously, but I will take what I can get. I hope this means that they are growing. Other than that I haven't had any symptoms really. My boobs have not been sore, although I have been pushing against them so much to see if they are sore I am surprised that they aren't by now. I never thought I would say this but I wish I was nauseous. If I were nauseous, I would at least know that something is going on in me. The lack of symptoms is worse than actually having them (or at least that is what I imagine).
So now I will try to fill my time with anything that will make the days go by more quickly and try to trust in the fact that everything is going according to plan and in 9 months I will give birth to our baby and all of my dreams come true.
Easier said than done.
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